Grudges

One of the homeschool moms had an interesting post on Facebook. It was about burning bridges and forgiveness. I don't necessarily agree with all of the things she said, but it did start me thinking. And you know what happens when I start thinking.

I was listening to the Black Crowes on the way home from doing a little grocery shopping tonight. One of my favorite songs is "Twice as Hard". It's about how hard it is to leave the second time. It rips your guts out the first time, but the second time is worse. It means that you failed, twice. Once wasn't painful enough, you had to go and do it again. Do you burn that bridge? Do you leave a lover and give up all the hopes and dreams? Or are you giving up the comfort of a stale, dormant relationship? Been there and done that and it ripped my heart out. But it was a bridge that needed to be burned so I could grow and become. Never talked to him again except when I called him to tell him I was geting married. I had found a man that loved me for me and I was happy. I realized I had been holding a grudge. He hadn't fought hard enough to keep me. And I was much better for it. I felt almost victorious, in a way.

I received an email from someone talking about people being brought into your life. It basically said that people are brought into your life for a reason. And whether it was for a season, a lifetime, or a moment, we are destined to meet the people that we do. I thought that was very profound and I have been thinking about that as well.

At the park today we had a huge discussion about the bridges we have burned. We also talked about the bridges that we would like to burn. And the bridges we wished we hadn't burned. I love the park moms, because it is always a lively discussion.

We all have bridges that we have burned and are still holding grudges. They are all people that were close to us and for some reason we had a falling out. We could relate to each story and also take comfort in a couple. There was a kindred spirit out there that was going through the same things. It helped to be able to talk about things that had been bottled up for a very long time.

I think that is an important part of healing. I think it helps us get to the point of forgiving and forgetting. Jesus says we should forgive every time. But are some friendships worth keeping? Can we really forget?

One of my sil and I have a very strained relatonship. We started out liking each other ok, then not at all, then cordial, then friends, then not speaking, then back to being nice in each others presence, but not calling on a daily basis just to chat. I'd rather slap her, but that's not going to accomplish anything. We have unspoken under currents that ebb and flow around us. I know I give off "get the hell away from me" vibes. I am holding a major grudge and feel like she has burned the bridge from her end and I burned it from mine. I have apologized to her for my part in the rift and I have asked and received forgiveness. There are so many things that I would like to say to her that I don't know even where to begin. And when we are together it's usually a family gathering and not the most appropriate time or place to have a heavy conversation like that. I'm sure she has several things she would like to say to me, but she has yet to aproach the subject either.

This is not a friendship that I wish to renew. There is too much that has transpired between the two of us to be comfortable with each other. We may never be. And as long as we don't talk about it, I think we will stay uncomfortable. She's also family. I will have to see her almost every holiday. But I feel like that is a bridge that needs to stay burned for awhile. I might eventually decide to rebuild, but right now isn't the time. I know I need to forgive, I just want to wear my hair shirt a little longer.

I am one of those people that can hold a grudge for a long time. I am a world champion grudge holder. That's one of those things that I really have to work on. I usually let my mouth do the talking without the supervision of the brain. Then I've burned a bridge. You would think I would learn.

I like to think that I have gotten better in my choice of friends. I like to think that I have now surrounded myself with people that are in my life for a lifetime. My dream is to surround my family with people that love us and support us and that we love and support. We have a core group of friends from various backgrounds that we call family as well as friend.