Uncontrolled

I'm sitting here with Godsmack's "Whatever" BLARING through my headphones. I am a rocker chick at heart. I love screaming guitars and a heavy bass line. Rock drummers are super sexy. Oh. So. Yummy. You ever listen to Godsmack? So speaking to me right now. I'm doing the best I ever did. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I ever did. Now go away. Here I go getting off topic again. Well, kinda.

Great lunch today. We had a potluck and lots of new families showed up. I tried to introduce myself to all the new people. One lady came, ate with her boys, then took her fruit and left. I had been working my way over to her, but stopped to speak to a couple of people. I felt bad about that. We pride ourselves on welcoming people to our group. Hopefully, she'll come back and give us another shot at making her feel welcome.

Lots of friends we hadn't seen in awhile. Love seeing them again and spending some time. My friend C asked me a question. Was I content about not moving to Texas and all that entailed? Content was an interesting choice of words. Truth is, I am. I can't change it. I can whine and pout and throw a fit, but it won't do any good. It might work out some frustrations. This was not the opportunity for us. Whatever God has planned for us is happening here. For now. The doors would have opened for us. I can't control the situation any more than I can control myself. That's what it's about really. Control.

I have had to let go of more control in the last five years than I thought possible. Sometimes it feels really good. Sometimes it makes my flesh scream. But, I gotta. I still have a great amount of control in several areas. I am very vocal about the fact that I like to fold my own clothes and hang them up. I like it done a certain way. It's just easier for me to do it than to redo it after someone else has folded it. And everybody would rather let me do it because it's less they have to fold. Except my socks. I refuse to match any more socks including my own. I like to load the dishwasher, but not unload. I'm picky about how the dishes go in. I cannot watch other people load their dishwashers. I just want to go behind them and reload it. It's like a jigsaw puzzle. It all fits a certain way. Ok, so maybe my OCD is a little worse than I let on.

I also had to learn the fine art of compromise. That was not something I knew much about before. I used to be really hard to live with. Now, I'm pretty easy going. Unless I have to tell you three times to do something. Then I'm swatting your ass to get you to move. I have had to learn the fine art of seperating teacher from mom, but even that is tenuous at best. They do crossover and intermingle. It's not always easy and I am not always good at it. I have to take a deep breath because someone is defying me. But they really aren't, and isn't that more the point? I have to make myself stop and listen. We do have some rules that are unbreakable, but not many. I started small, like not having to do all 25 questions when you can show my in five or ten that you understand the concept. I have worked my way up to bigger things. I am learning how to give up control.

I see the relationships of hubby's brothers' marriages and I don't get it. The things that they say to each other just baffles my mind. Then again, it isn't my marriage. As easy as it is to stand and be indignant about something, I don't have a clue as what the real dynamic is. I don't live with them, thankfully. I called hubby the other day to talk me off the ledge, as my friend M would say. I was upset about something I have no control over. If I were her, I would... If I were him, I would tell her... I didn't, and still don't, have the full story. I only had one small snippet. I don't want the full story. My flesh does. But it isn't my business. It doesn't and shouldn't matter to me at all. I can't control what they do and say. I sure can't control myself half the time. If the world only thought the way I did, what a great world it would be. Or even more warped than it is already.

It has taken me a long time to be content. I am content with where life has led me and where it may lead. I am content about being here, with my friends, with my family, with my life. Do I wish I was in Texas with my family? Yes. Does that mean that I wish the job had worked out? Yes. But it was not to be. Yet. I am content with loving and being loved. I'm still working on that control thing. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I ever did. 

Bitchy or Just Bitchin'?

I do not have a clue. Sometimes I just want to tell myself to shut the hell up. Then sometimes I'm high fiving myself. Either way, buckle up, 'cause here we go. I hope you're wearing tall boots. But not the great leather pair, just some regular gardening or wading type. See, there I go again.

• I have church issues and we all know it. I shouldn't judge lest I be judged. (Cricket, cricket, cricket) I belong to a Facebook group that is homeschoolers in the county I live in. There is one lady on there that posts some of the stupidest stuff. I don't know her, I have never met her, but there's a chance I will meet her Friday. Please pray that I will not slap the shit out of her. There is always the distinct possibility. She was looking for a church in the area. This is a small county, but we have some decent size churches. Her family does much better in a megachurch environment. Compensating for something? I don't know. Is that like the bigger the truck, the smaller a man's penis is? Just asking the question. I guess some people like that environment. Then she said she didn't mean to offend, but their family would like a megachurch that didn't have a female pastor. I think the reason this rubbed me the wrong way is that our former associate pastor, who is a very good friend, is female. I will tell you that she can out preach any man I have ever heard. The woman can be in leadership, just not a pastor. Ouch!! I wonder if this woman wears pants. 
• I have been unpacking boxes. I unpack a box every other day or so. I have a huge pile to give away and whatever doesn't go, goes to the thrift store. I could save all this stuff for a yard sale, but I just do not have it in me to hang on to it. I finally got to the box that had all our movies in them. I am giving away anything that is on VHS. I just do not want to hang on to them anymore. We have VCRs, I just do not want the movies taking up the space. I emptied four boxes, divided clothes into a giveaway pile for a friend of a friend and just give away. I organized some books and curriculum in to high school and middle school and elementary. Anything elementary that the baby isn't going to use goes the way of the give away or trash pile. Everything has got to go that doesn't need to stay. The next box is my shoe box. Not alot going in the trash pile there, let me tell you what.     
• We changed pick up libraries. I took the kids to a different library than we normally go to. They were giving away a Nook since the library has started loaning e-books. The nice volunteer that checked out my books for me saw a note that our regular library put on our accounts about not waiving fines unless you talk to the head librarian or her bitchy crony. That was an interesting discussion about the women at our regular library. Apparently, I am not the first or last to have problems with that library. I am one among many. Almost makes me feel slutty. I tried to change the info on my account online. You can't do it. I had to go to the library. The lady that changed it is one of three I will deal with or talk to. She was very sad. So was I looking at her. I almost changed my mind. But the new library is much closer and I like the people.
• I have a friend that is a little upset with me that I don't have time in our schedule for a play date with our boys. Sometimes it be's that way, to quote Pink. It's not that our extras are many, they are just at funky times. 3:30 and 4 in the afternoon, 10 in the mornng. It is what it is and I'm not changing a schedule that took me forever to straighten out. There's always Friday at the park. We do have one day during the week that we have nothing scheduled. I'm leaving it that way, too. If I have the time or inclination that day, I'll call you. I purposely left that day open for some much needed down time. I cannot make everyone happy, but I can make me happy.
• My big girl has started wearing foundation. OMG. It was a hard decision for hubby and me. That is just one more step closer to growing up. She's too pretty for that stuff. But didn't our parents tell us the same thing? Hubby tells me that all the time. I love that blind man. You should have seen her with her face all done. SHIT!! It's ok, though. Hubby and I own guns. And we are not afraid to use them.

There's the run down. I know there was more, but I didn't write it down. I am, however, going to go download some songs I've been jotting down. See ya' on the flip side!

I'm Still Doin' It

I am oh, so tired, but my mind is racing 800 miles an hour and I will not sleep until I empty the brain a little. I know it's been awhile and I apologize. It just seems like so much is going on, and we haven't even gotten busy yet. I'm still licking some wounds, trying to get over myself, and take care of everyone else all at the same time. Sometimes I have to kick myself and remember that this life, as much as I want it to be, is not about me and what I want. Enough of that and on with the brain emptying...

• Loved, loved, loved going to Texas. We were there for five weeks. I think with all that time spread in front of me, I got complacent about spending time with family and friends. As much as I enjoyed the time I did get to spend, I missed a few opportunities. Spilled milk now. I got to spend some time with my high school/blogger friend that I really enjoyed. Loved the conversations and the sharing of stories. I got to spend time with my childhood best friend and her son. How stinkin' cute is he? I got to spend time with my beautiful nieces. There is never enough time for that. I would not trade that time for anything.
• Love, love, love being home. I missed hubby something awful. When I am away from home, the best thing in the world is coming home and sleeping in my own bed, surrounded by my own things. 
• I did get to share some of my hippie ways with my family. I tried not to step on too many toes. My kids weren't allowed to have certain things and I took a little flack. I got a little frustrated when I got argued with. My response at one time was "I can go down the list of ingredients and tell you about the horrible effects each one has on your body." Big Sis took us to a health food store. My kids and I took a deep breath and felt so at home. Big Sis and my nieces said "What's that smell?" I laughed. That is the smell of health and wellness. Too funny. Should have heard my kids giving the run down when one of my nieces would say "What's this?" My kids would start explaining. I just smiled. Little health nuts.
• Back into the grind we are. School started, extras starting soon, more extras being planned. Why? Because sometimes I cannot leave well enough alone, that's why.
• We had a very productive youth council meeting the other Sunday. It was eval time for our youth director. The youth council sat down with our senior pastor to do the eval. We tried not to make it Bitch Fest 2011. We gave examples when a topic would come up so we weren't just nagging old biddies. I have to say that it felt good to get it off our chests. And, on a bright note, he seems to have opened up to us a little more. Communication is the key. That's all we've been wanting. And the same respect he's been asking for. You gotta give to get.
• I have filled up my request list from the library. I've filled it three times since we've been back and we've only been back for three weeks. You should see the pile of books I have. I am reading Betty White's If You Ask Me (And You Probably Won't). Funny!! Next is a book about military wives at Fort Hood, Texas and life while their husbands are gone called You Know When the Men Are Gone. Then on to Dean Koontz's Frankenstein. I've been wanting to read that for quite some time and the request line at the library finally got short enough for me to request it. If you can't find a book at the library, I probably have it.
• I was looking through some old blogs and found this recipe. I am so doing this one again. I am making stock tomorrow just so I have some to use. I'm thinking Wednesday. I even have fresh limes, just picked today. I am also thinking about making a sweet potato pie. I have lots of sweet potatoes and I like pie, so there you go. Coming over? Bring some beer.

There you go. I think my tank is drained enough I can sleep, thank goodness! I'm gonna go snuggle next to my snoring hubby and go to dreamland. I spend enough time in lala land. Time for a change of scenery. Peace!