I've sat down three times to write this blog. I've sat down in front of the computer more times than that but just couldn't bring myself to actually write. I didn't even sign on to Blogger. Because this one, this one sucks more than any one I've ever had to write. My mom died. See, now that hurt. I should warn you that I have courage from an outside source. I'll let you imagine what and we'll go with that.
She had not done well the last couple of months. She had started to mix up her meds and my stepdad's. She started burning dishes that she had been making for 40+ years. My sister would call with the latest and my heart would break just a little more and I would cry. She was spending more and more time in the hospital. And my heart would break just a little more and I would cry and cry. Towards the end I was beside myself. My kids were scheduled to go to camp. They had worked so hard and that sounds like such a lame excuse, but whatever. As cruel and harsh as it sounds, life has to go on. We rearranged hubby's vacation and days off twice to leave sooner and sooner. Mom stopped eating. Then she stopped drinking. Then she went to hospice. Then she died. And I miss her.
I miss her laugh. I miss butting heads with her. I get my stubbornness from her, you know. I always tell people that if they met my mom once, they would know why I am the way I am. I mean that with the upmost respect. My mom was smart and beautiful and hard working and demanding and outspoken and loving and kind and so many other things. She had a hard start in life and wanted to make sure that her girls had better.
She called me for my birthday. She left a message on my home phone and my cell phone. I knew it wouldn't be long and I may not talk to my mom again, so I saved them both. I called her back and talked to her. We were at Epcot watching the fireworks off in the distance. It was good to hear her voice. On the message at the house she's fussing at my aunt and stepdad while she's wishing me happy birthday. That's my mom.
She opened her home and her heart to so many people. Big Sis and I had several friends that rotated in and out of the extra bedroom. Good thing she had that room. Her grandbabies were her life. She doted on each and every one. She hung the moon special just for them. She said her goal for the grandbabies was to be the best Mermie ever. And she was. Watching them cry was so hard. There was nothing I could do to stop it. We did talk about the physical death and that we miss the body. It helped a little, but that physical loss is something fierce.
We know that she is whole and well and feels no pain now. She knew Jesus and had a relationship with Him. She will be waiting for us when it's our turn. She was ushered in by her mother and brother. One of my aunts said my grandmother is wondering why she's stuck with the two that are the most ornery. God's funny that way, isn't He?
We went to the Rockin' C and spread her ashes. It was a beautiful day. We spread them by her chickens, in her garden and by the pond under the shade of the trees. The kids were so great about grabbing a handful. Even stepdad spread some. I got to bring some home with me. I'm looking for a company that makes jewelry that you store ashes in. I want a necklace. Or maybe a ring.
Big Sis said Mother's Day was going to suck. Yes, it is. My heart hurts. Some days are better than others. But I still miss her.
