I interrupt this season of thankfulness to rid myself of angst. I am going to be as real as I can because I need to be. Death sucks ass. I don't mean for the ones who died, I mean for the ones left behind. I do believe that I will go to Heaven when I die, but this blog isn't about my spiritual side. I firmly believe that a relationship with Jesus Christ is how you get to Heaven. I firmly believe that many of my relatives had that and I will see them again. This blog is about my physical side. The one that got left behind and now has what feels like a big rock sitting in my heart. The one that is this close to tears every day, just waiting for that one thing to set me off. The side that prays when I do go off, people won't look at me like I've lost my mind.
The grief is overwhelming at times. It just swamps me, like a tidal wave. Have you ever been sucked down by a wave? I have. The summer I was 10 we went to Hawaii. My cousins taught me to body surf. They also said not to get too comfortable on the wave. I did, and it sucked me down. Straight down. I had no idea which way was up or which way was down. I couldn't see anything but churning water and sand, and none of it clearly. I tumbled and bumbled and I didn't know how to get out of the wave. When I thought I my lungs would explode, the wave spit me out. I skidded up the beach, sand scraping me, reminding me not to get too comfortable again. That's how grief is. It sucks you in and you can't breathe because of it. Then, when you can't catch your breath, it spits you out onto the beach and scrapes you and makes you raw and buries itself in places you didn't even know you had.
I hate it. I hate that my mom is gone. I hate that my kids didn't have more time with her. I hate that it's Thanksgiving and I can't call her to talk about our meal. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT!!
I have several friends that have recently lost loved ones. Fathers, grandmothers, great aunts that were like grandmothers, and a son. We all grieve differently. For me, I feel like if I start, I may not stop. Some days I just want a quiet house, a bubble bath, and some serious crying time. I need to purge, but I don't do that well with other people. Truth be told, even though I have cried in front of and with my children, I'm scared if they see me like that, it would scare them. My heart aches for my friends and what they must be feeling. I wish that they never had to go through this.
Being human, I know that what we miss is the physical. We miss the voice and the touches. I miss the sly remarks and the twinkle of trouble in my mom's eye. I miss her laugh. I miss her hugs. I miss her. This side of me wants her back! This side of me wants to kick Mom's doctors in the ass. This side of me wants everyone to shut up about how she's in a better place. I know she is, that isn't the problem. The problem is that I don't want her there. I want her here! But I know I can't have her here.
I am thankful for my blessings. I am thankful that I have a wonderful husband, loving children, and a nice home. I'm thankful that we will have a special meal together that was prepared by all the hands in this home. I am thankful. But, I have this other side...
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Suzy Freakin' Homemaker
That bitch pisses me off. Happy all the time, making people smile, creating things with the wave of her magic wand. Wait, maybe that's a fairy godmother. Anyway, I think I'm turning in to her. I think I already did.
I was going through the Thanksgiving menu, trying to figure what we needed, what I wanted, where the hell am I going to put it all. Then there was the great coupon hunt for groceries. I pulled all the recipes I'll be using. I planned for the homemade stuff. Well, here we go.
My niece and nephew are coming over for a few days during the Thanksgiving break. I figure sandwiches are cheap. I did pick up some bread that's not nearly as healthy for you as what we normally buy, but I didn't want to freak them out too much. I did make mayo. It is so easy. A little egg yolk, some mustard and a dash of salt. Mix that together then start adding oil. I used a combo of walnut and olive. So stinking good. I'm buying good for you lunchmeat because the nitrates/nitrites in lunchmeat will kill you. Literally. I'm balancing not so good healthy bread with great for you other stuff. Hello, Suzy.
Well, since you only use yolks for mayo, I had 6 whites staring at me, and I don't mean the kiddos. So I made meringue cookies. All you need for that is egg whites and sugar. There is another recipe that adds vinegar and chopped nuts. I didn't use that one, but I did add cocoa powder to make chocolate cookies. And I used sugar. And I ate about 6 of them. They are so good. I'm paying for it today. The kids would have eaten them all yesterday if I had let them. Hubby, too, when he came home. Suzy strikes again.
I'm making cream of mushroom soup. We're having broccoli rice casserole. You have to have cream of something soup and cheese. I planned out when I need to have it done, how much I need, and how much I'm going to make because it will be dinner one night. Probably Tuesday or Thursday. Score one for Suzy.
The kids have decided they want to help make desserts for our meal. The baby wants to make a chocolate pie. So what did I find yesterday? A chocolate pie recipe. My niece will help if she wants, but poor thing won't get to eat any. It's for our Thanksgiving meal and she won't be here for that. The big girl is going over the IL's to learn how to make an apple pie. She won't get to eat it until our meal. Hubby brought home a recipe and we're swapping out the yuck for better for you. Oh, Suzy, look at you go.
The boy is making a pumpkin pie. I have a schedule for that, too. I have to process pumpkins for that. I have 3 pie pumpkins sitting on my counter. They'll get processed on Monday morning. By Monday afternoon, I'm hoping to make pumpkin cookies with all the kids. They'll get to eat those, thankfully. I don't have Thanksgiving cookie cutters, but I do have Christmas, so that's what we'll use. Suzy seems to be slipping just a little.
The turkey has to get brined. Have you ever brined your turkey? It makes it tender and juicy and you almost can't screw it up from there. That gets done late Monday evening. Wednesday that bad boy comes out and gets rinsed off and is ready for cooking. We stuff our turkey. Yeah, I do everything but bake the bread and grow the veggies. Well, some of the veggies. I use ciabatta bread. So lovely. Suzy is back at it.
I'm making veggie stock on Sunday. I need stock for the stuffing, broccoli rice casserole, brussel sprouts, and gravy. By Friday, I'll be making turkey stock. Suzy may need comfy shoes.
Cranberry sauce. I fogot to add cranberry sauce to the mix. If you have never made your own, you should try it. Super simple, super easy. I can do that the night before and it'll be nice and set come meal time. If I don't eat it all before then. I may have to redo my schedule. Suzy officially deserves a massage.
I'm not bragging, I promise. I'm just trying to get things right in my head. Why do I do this to myself? Because I'm Suzy Homemaker and I love it. I never knew I would. I was always too independent to be tied to the kitchen. Really, it's one of my favorite places to be. I'm a throwback, I guess. It's hard to do all this with the amount of time we're gone, but it's worth it in the end. I can't imagine doing it any other way. I love the comments: You're home all day. You have time to do that. Guess again. My friends say:You're never home. When do you have time to do that? Because I'm Suzy Freakin' Homemaker and that's what I do.
I was going through the Thanksgiving menu, trying to figure what we needed, what I wanted, where the hell am I going to put it all. Then there was the great coupon hunt for groceries. I pulled all the recipes I'll be using. I planned for the homemade stuff. Well, here we go.
My niece and nephew are coming over for a few days during the Thanksgiving break. I figure sandwiches are cheap. I did pick up some bread that's not nearly as healthy for you as what we normally buy, but I didn't want to freak them out too much. I did make mayo. It is so easy. A little egg yolk, some mustard and a dash of salt. Mix that together then start adding oil. I used a combo of walnut and olive. So stinking good. I'm buying good for you lunchmeat because the nitrates/nitrites in lunchmeat will kill you. Literally. I'm balancing not so good healthy bread with great for you other stuff. Hello, Suzy.
Well, since you only use yolks for mayo, I had 6 whites staring at me, and I don't mean the kiddos. So I made meringue cookies. All you need for that is egg whites and sugar. There is another recipe that adds vinegar and chopped nuts. I didn't use that one, but I did add cocoa powder to make chocolate cookies. And I used sugar. And I ate about 6 of them. They are so good. I'm paying for it today. The kids would have eaten them all yesterday if I had let them. Hubby, too, when he came home. Suzy strikes again.
I'm making cream of mushroom soup. We're having broccoli rice casserole. You have to have cream of something soup and cheese. I planned out when I need to have it done, how much I need, and how much I'm going to make because it will be dinner one night. Probably Tuesday or Thursday. Score one for Suzy.
The kids have decided they want to help make desserts for our meal. The baby wants to make a chocolate pie. So what did I find yesterday? A chocolate pie recipe. My niece will help if she wants, but poor thing won't get to eat any. It's for our Thanksgiving meal and she won't be here for that. The big girl is going over the IL's to learn how to make an apple pie. She won't get to eat it until our meal. Hubby brought home a recipe and we're swapping out the yuck for better for you. Oh, Suzy, look at you go.
The boy is making a pumpkin pie. I have a schedule for that, too. I have to process pumpkins for that. I have 3 pie pumpkins sitting on my counter. They'll get processed on Monday morning. By Monday afternoon, I'm hoping to make pumpkin cookies with all the kids. They'll get to eat those, thankfully. I don't have Thanksgiving cookie cutters, but I do have Christmas, so that's what we'll use. Suzy seems to be slipping just a little.
The turkey has to get brined. Have you ever brined your turkey? It makes it tender and juicy and you almost can't screw it up from there. That gets done late Monday evening. Wednesday that bad boy comes out and gets rinsed off and is ready for cooking. We stuff our turkey. Yeah, I do everything but bake the bread and grow the veggies. Well, some of the veggies. I use ciabatta bread. So lovely. Suzy is back at it.
I'm making veggie stock on Sunday. I need stock for the stuffing, broccoli rice casserole, brussel sprouts, and gravy. By Friday, I'll be making turkey stock. Suzy may need comfy shoes.
Cranberry sauce. I fogot to add cranberry sauce to the mix. If you have never made your own, you should try it. Super simple, super easy. I can do that the night before and it'll be nice and set come meal time. If I don't eat it all before then. I may have to redo my schedule. Suzy officially deserves a massage.
I'm not bragging, I promise. I'm just trying to get things right in my head. Why do I do this to myself? Because I'm Suzy Homemaker and I love it. I never knew I would. I was always too independent to be tied to the kitchen. Really, it's one of my favorite places to be. I'm a throwback, I guess. It's hard to do all this with the amount of time we're gone, but it's worth it in the end. I can't imagine doing it any other way. I love the comments: You're home all day. You have time to do that. Guess again. My friends say:You're never home. When do you have time to do that? Because I'm Suzy Freakin' Homemaker and that's what I do.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Season of Suck Ass
It's the holiday season!! Fucking great. I hate the holidays. Actually, I hate what comes along with the holidays. Families pulling this way and that way. Look at me, no look over here. Jealousy and trying to keep up with the rest of the world. Screw that. After the heated discussions of the last holiday season, I can say I had the best Thanksgiving and Christmas in many years last year. This year will suck all over again.
Bis Sis said she is going to miss Mermie. Oh my God, me, too. She said they used to plan their menu together. Us, too. We would talk on the phone for at least an hour talking about what sounded good this year. This is what I'm doing different, these are the standards that we're still having after all these years. For many years, I would make broccoli rice casserole because it reminded me of my mom. We'll have it again this year, but it will be revamped. I wanted to make it for her. She asked me where I got some of my ideas. My Better Homes and Gardens and LOTS of cooking shows.
I loved the Thanksgiving and Christmas phone calls. She didn't really want to talk to me, but she did. Then it was all about her babies. She would always send a check for Christmas. It's easier than sending gifts, and I could get the kids what they wanted. The best gifts always came from Mermie and Uncle Jesse and Mamaw and Papaw. It's just the right thing to do. She would ask what she got them and I would tell her. Then she would ask the kids how they liked it. Too funny. She was always flumoxed about what to get the boy. With 6 granddaughters, a grandson threw her for a loop. That always made me giggle.
We did get to spend a Thanksgiving with her a few years ago. I kind of took over the kitchen. I couldn't help it. It's what I do. It was a fantastic holiday. The kids got to spend great time with her. There was no drama. There was no stress. There was just family eating great food and being thankful for being together. There was way too much turkey and pie eaten and it was wonderful.
I know the firsts are always hardest. It doesn't really get any easier. It just gets easier to pretend you're too busy to think about it. Make sense? I know if my mom were here, she would tease me about being Suzy Homemaker. I know she would ask me how I make my pomegranate compote. I would tell her to quit eating that crappy cranberry sauce in a can and make her own. It is so good. We would both have broccoli rice casserole, but mine would have brown rice and homemade cream of mushroom. We would both eat too much and complain about it while we ate leftovers. She would spoil my kids something awful and I would let her. I would wish I was in her beautiful kitchen and so would she!
Have a great holiday season. Pardon me if I don't perticipate like I want to. I just can't. There will be joy this season. There will be no drama on our part. There will be too much food and full, full, bellies and hearts. There will be some sadness and some tears. There will be a wish on my part. Oh, how I wish, I wish, I wish...
Bis Sis said she is going to miss Mermie. Oh my God, me, too. She said they used to plan their menu together. Us, too. We would talk on the phone for at least an hour talking about what sounded good this year. This is what I'm doing different, these are the standards that we're still having after all these years. For many years, I would make broccoli rice casserole because it reminded me of my mom. We'll have it again this year, but it will be revamped. I wanted to make it for her. She asked me where I got some of my ideas. My Better Homes and Gardens and LOTS of cooking shows.
I loved the Thanksgiving and Christmas phone calls. She didn't really want to talk to me, but she did. Then it was all about her babies. She would always send a check for Christmas. It's easier than sending gifts, and I could get the kids what they wanted. The best gifts always came from Mermie and Uncle Jesse and Mamaw and Papaw. It's just the right thing to do. She would ask what she got them and I would tell her. Then she would ask the kids how they liked it. Too funny. She was always flumoxed about what to get the boy. With 6 granddaughters, a grandson threw her for a loop. That always made me giggle.
We did get to spend a Thanksgiving with her a few years ago. I kind of took over the kitchen. I couldn't help it. It's what I do. It was a fantastic holiday. The kids got to spend great time with her. There was no drama. There was no stress. There was just family eating great food and being thankful for being together. There was way too much turkey and pie eaten and it was wonderful.
I know the firsts are always hardest. It doesn't really get any easier. It just gets easier to pretend you're too busy to think about it. Make sense? I know if my mom were here, she would tease me about being Suzy Homemaker. I know she would ask me how I make my pomegranate compote. I would tell her to quit eating that crappy cranberry sauce in a can and make her own. It is so good. We would both have broccoli rice casserole, but mine would have brown rice and homemade cream of mushroom. We would both eat too much and complain about it while we ate leftovers. She would spoil my kids something awful and I would let her. I would wish I was in her beautiful kitchen and so would she!
Have a great holiday season. Pardon me if I don't perticipate like I want to. I just can't. There will be joy this season. There will be no drama on our part. There will be too much food and full, full, bellies and hearts. There will be some sadness and some tears. There will be a wish on my part. Oh, how I wish, I wish, I wish...
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