Throwing in the Towel

I am done. Stick a fork in me. I cannot do it one more day. Only I will. Time moves on. Life will carry on with or with out me, because that's what life does. And that's the problem.

I despise the holidays. The last few years have been much better without the family drama. Only there is still that little bit of guilt tripping. Hubby gets it when he goes to his parent's house. His mama kind of mopes around making comments about cleaning and cooking "in case people show up." Big. Sigh. He finally told his mama that if she wanted to see him and the kids on the holidays, she would need to call me. And talk to me. And invite me over. We'll see how that goes. But that isn't the reason I'm done.

I miss my mom. Holy cow, every day is a struggle to get out of bed. Every day is a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. But the holidays just rip out my guts. We always called each other and talked about menus. We always called and talked about what the plans were. We always talked about the inordinate amount of drama that came about at the holidays. We always talked. I miss that.

When hubby and I first moved out here, I incorporated as many of my family's traditions into our holidays as I could. The first time I made broccoli cheese casserole, he kissed me. I love him. We started some traditions of our own, and as the kids started coming we added/changed/got rid of some as well. But always there were those things that made me feel like I had my family around me. One of the biggest parts of my life is gone now. And I am filled with angst and yuck.

We are scheduled pretty tightly until the end of the year. It is what I have to do to keep the feelings from overwhelming me. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about it. I have friends that say "You are so organized." No, it's me trying to maintain control of those few things I can control. I don't feel like I can control my emotions very well. I feel like I am on the brink of breaking down so often. I have had to walk out of the kids' practice a couple of times just to have a moment.

I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of being the one that has to take care of "it", whatever "it" may be. I feel like I need some time to just be. To just breathe. To just grieve. To just...

So I'm taking it. I'm throwing in the towel. I'm taking some time for me, just for me, to readjust my attitude. To readjust my mind. To recharge my batteries. And to drink beer. And eat some chocolate. Beer and chocolate make it all better. I just need to be quiet for just a few minutes. Then I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Again and again and again.

Because Big Sis Made Me!

Not really, but I got a text last night. It said, and I quote, "For the love of all that is holy! Blog, woman, blog!!!!" I love that woman like nobody's business! I had planned to blog yesterday, but I ran out of time yesterday. So, to make Big Sis happy (and clear out a note in my phone), here we go.

• My children have lost their minds today. When that happens, their butts usually get sore and their electronics and privileges get taken away. When the dog barks to go out, that should be the cue for all involved to get that done. Apparently, this morning they were clueless, which led to me yelling and dropping the f-bomb a couple of times. My big girl thought she could fuss back at me until I came storming down the hall. That shut her up good and proper. I told them next time they had to go, I should lock their bathroom and not let them in. I'm not really, but it sounds good, doesn't it? Crazy ass kids!
• You know I have to weigh in on this whole insurance debacle. We have the stupidest President ever. I am so scared for this country. Not only did he outright lie about keeping our insurance if we liked it, but now that he got caught, he's telling the insurance companies to give the policies back. Which he can't do. And he's an idiot. The insurance companies said ok, but it's going to cost more money if we do that. Who do you think is going to pay for that? We are!!! Yea!! This whole thing is incredibly stupid. "We have to pass it before we find out what's in it"? And why did we let them pass that? Shouldn't that have been clue number 1? It's not that everyone needs insurance, it's that insurance needs to be revamped. Get a clue, POTUS!
• Our bankruptcy is finally filed. The paralegal called yesterday and said we were assigned a great trustee. Thank. Goodness. The bad news? We have to pay for vehicles. That are already paid off. I hate that part. The good news is that he reduced the amount we have to pay and spread the payments over 12 months instead of 10. Now we wait for a court date. Ugh! I hate driving to the big city. The traffic is horrible and people are crazy. Almost done, almost done! The amount of stress this has caused is insane. But that's for the next bullet point.
• The stress made hubby almost have a mental breakdown. I am not joking at all. He spent one weekend kind of shaking and freaking out. It was a tad scary. I can only imagine the stress he was under with his wife harping about not working overtime, and his boss harping he needed to. So I took myself out of the equation. I realized the pressure was too much, so I backed off. If he had to work it he had to work it. If we had to delay filing because of it, then fine. I wasn't bitching about it anymore. I'm still not. There's not much I can do about it, so what good does it do? And really, overtime only lasted a month anyway and there wasn't that much. But that led to some tension between the 2 of us. I hate that. We've worked through most of it and we'll keep working through the rest. It is what we make it. We can make this a deal breaker or we can not. We choose not, but after 18 years and a ton of crap during that time, we can get through anything and be stronger on the other side.
• I want a camera. A real, bona fide, takes great pics and video camera. My 2 oldest have a ton of performances coming up and I would like to get them on film. My phone is ok for pics and videos, but when there is lighting on the stage like a concert or where they'll be performing, it sucks. Really, really sucks. At the concert series at Epcot this year, I was looking at some of the pics and videos people were taking on their phones, and they were really good. And they were able to get a great pic even when zooming from a pretty good distance away. We've been looking online and in stores and every time we go into a store, I head to electronics. The kids' first performance is the day after Thanksgiving and I don't see it happening. Stupid bankruptcy...
• We did spend a little money and got a Roku. We watch Netflix through our Wii, but it's in the living room. Which means no Netflix in the bedroom. Do you know how many times the kids have been watching something and I just wanted to watch Sons of Anarchy? I can't do that with the kids. Besides, seeing Jax naked is a pleasure I want to have all by myself. Meow!! Now I can. And when hubby is watching crazy people preparing for the apocalypse, the big girl can be watching zombies and the people that fight them. Best $50 we ever spent. Love it!
• I have been revisiting the Blood Type Diet. I like that book. It has been very on target for the way I need to eat. I don't think that because the book says so, but because it highlights things I have already discovered about my body and what is the proper nutrition for it. Hubby started reading it, too. We have discovered we are opposite eaters. He is a B and I am an A. I need a mostly vegetarian diet and he needs a carnivorous diet. There are very few things that are on his list and mine. We're making a list and checking it twice to see what we can eat that's the same and how we need to prepare our meals. It's going to take some time and some work. We're going to try it for a little bit and see how it goes.

That's all I've got for now. I guess that means I need to start a new note!