Part 4

Tyler ran his hands through his hair for the millionth time since they had gotten back from dinner. He tossed and turned in a bed that was just a smidgen too small. It was just enough to make him feel even more agitated than he already was. What he needed was a beer. Then a little voice told him he needed to be slapped around for even being here. He realized he wasn't going to get much sleep. He threw the covers back and found his jeans on the floor. He slipped them on as he made his way to the small balcony that over looked Lydia's yard and lowered himself into a chair, staring into the dark.

He had felt all kinds of emotions when he had seen Lydia standing on her porch. That sundress was enough to drive any man crazy, clinging to curves that hadn't been there eight years ago. She had let her hair grow, and now looked like a woman. At seventeen, she had been changing into a woman, but still had the softness and gentleness of a child. The memories just started running through his brain, driving him crazy.

Dinner hadn't been too hard to tolerate. It seemed like half the town had stopped by the table. That had been alright by him: it meant that he didn't have to carry on a conversation he didn't feel like having. He would sneak looks at Lydia as often as he could. He felt all the "stay far, far away" vibes, but he couldn't help but be drawn to her. He had made a joking comment about keeping a secret. Her eyes had flashed at him and she had made a snappy little comeback. That was new. She hadn't been that way at seventeen.

What her eyes could do to him. They had torn him up for months. He had met her in town one day while he was hanging out with Josiah during a summer home from college. She had been very shy, not quite meeting his eyes. But then he had seen her a few weeks later, a different attitude, a different person all together. And her eyes had been full of life. Then came the day he had picked her up when she had been walking home. Her sweet trusting eyes tearing him up inside. He had made reference to the big bad wolf when he dropped her off, hoping she would get the hint that she should be careful of him. Then he had seen her at the party. He had had a little buzz rolling, and couldn't help kissing her seeing a little fear, but then trust because it was him that had her. And that had lead to way too many emotions.

He had never had anybody care about him for what seemed his whole life. Except Josiah, and his brothers, he didn't have any friends. Nadine Todd treated him like one of her own, a cherished child. His own parents preferred spending time with a bottle than with him. He would have probably died if it hadn't been for the Todds. And then Lydia Adams had changed his life.

That day at the lake had made him realize that he was going to ruin her life, ruin her if he didn't make her leave him. He would drag her down into his miserable life if she didn't run as far, as fast as she could. They had both somehow managed to get naked on that blanket. And the way she felt, and tasted, and smelled, and looked, and the little moans coming from her had him losing all sense of reality. He was not a good boy by any means. He had realized that all the acting out had been him looking for his parents approval. But at the last possible second, he had pulled back, knowing what they were doing was wrong for her. She needed to be loved and cherished and a man that would be there for her. He was not that man.

He had walked away from her a couple of days later. He had broken her heart to get her to leave him. He had known what it would take, and he needed her to think he was a bastard. If she didn't, she would never leave him. Tyler had saved both of them was how he thought of it. He then walked away from everything that was reasonably safe to him and started a business. He had become extremely successful and wealthy. But he had also become a ruthless bastard.

Here he was eight years later, pining for a woman he had given up eight years earlier. Josiah hadn't told him that she was living in this small town now, instead of their hometown outside of Austin. Tyler had never told anyone about his relationship with Lydia. He kept it too close to share it with anyone.

The sound of her back door creaking brought Tyler back to the present. He watched her tote a small cooler to a swing hanging from a huge tree in her backyard. He watched her open and drink a bottle of beer, toeing the ground to start the motion of the swing. He was going to have to talk to her. He needed to clear the air and put her at ease. Knowing the conversation was going to be difficult, he hoped she had a couple of beers for him. He threw on his shirt from earlier, not bothering to button it. He padded softly down the stairs and walked across her soft grass.

"Can I have one of those?" Tyler asked. He gestured toward the swing. "Can I sit?"

Shaking Hands

It shouldn't be a bad thing, shaking hands. But when you are shaking hands with a man that has done nothing but downgrade our society, our beliefs, and our way of life, it causes a little stirring. And once again, our illustrious leader is making us look like the bad guy.

Hugo Chavez was a very hated man in this country. He called our President the devil. I've called George W. a few names myself, but I never called him the devil. He called Obama an ignoramus. Chavez has also managed to be photographed, twice, shaking hands with Obama. If you look at the footage of the second handshake, you will see him looking for and at the camera. He knew what he was doing. He was doing it deliberately. That's just more bad press for Obama and more fodder for the rumor mills.

There have been comments made by the president regarding the role of Americans in the downfall of several countries. He has made two speeches in which he seems to apologize for our behavior. I think maybe he is leading us, but in a direction we don't want to go.

During the election, the Democrats, including Obama, were all for the government opening up. It was our right and privilege to protest and demand answers from the government. Where is that attitude now? The TEA Parties that were just held were said to be organized by people that didn't understand the dynamics of economics and were misinformed. Some media stations referred to protesters as rednecks. They were not rednecks. I'm married to a redneck. They all had shirts and shoes on, and none of them were parked on the sidewalk or in the grass.

The next step supposedly is the Amero. It's like the Euro, only for the Americas and Canada. I'm not real sure that I want to share currency with other countries. I'm pretty sure that's a dumb idea. Why on earth would we want to tie our unstable economy with the shaky economies of the rest of the world? They are all intertwined, but I like having something for us, the good ol' USA.

I don't have answers and I don't even have a lot of good arguments. I just know that so far, I am not impressed by the lack of leadership, caring, and respect coming from the White House. I feel like Obama has surrounded himself with some very self serving people that do not have the best interest of the country in mind. I feel like our legislators feel like they can do whatever they want and we will roll over and take it. We have for so very long, and many are still oblivious to what's going on beyond the end of their noses.

Start informing yourselves about what is being said about our country. Pay attention to where and who those things are coming from. Beware of who is shaking hands with our leaders. And keep looking for the knife in your back.

Part 3

The breeze cooled the light sheen of sweat on Lydia's body. It had been an eventful evening, and she was finally settling down. Josiah had showed Tyler the apartment while Josie had cornered Lydia in her kitchen.

"He is so dreamy," Josie sighed. "You should think about a quickie affair while he's town." She waggled her eyebrows at Lydia.

"I'm not really the affair type," she had responded. What she wanted to say was that she had been there and done that. But she hadn't told anyone, and apparently neither had Tyler. It wasn't something that Lydia wanted to open up about.

They had waited for Tyler to shower, then Josiah had driven them to The Country Club for dinner. Time had passed quickly with all the well wishers that stopped by the table. Josie and Josiah had managed to keep the conversation flowing, and Lydia had managed to not say too much about her life. At one point, Tyler had leaned in close and whispered, "As quiet as you've been all night, it makes me think you're keeping a secret."

"Yeah, you know me," she had replied a little too tightly, "I'm keeping all kinds of secrets." She only had one, and he was the only one who knew what it was. That had received a smoldering look from Tyler. He was used to women that threw themselves at him, not ones that shrunk away everytime he touched them. But he had touched Lydia before. And, eight years later, he wanted to touch her again.

Lydia took another sip of her beer as she remembered the looks he had drawn from the eligible bachelorettes in Harper's Bend. She touched her toe to the ground, gave a little push and the swing she was in started drifting slowly back and forth. As the swing drifted so did her thoughts, back to the day her life had changed.

She had been seventeen and lonely. Her mother had run off when she was twelve and hadn't bothered to even say good bye. It had taken Theresa Adams almost six months before she had contacted her daughter. And Lydia hadn't known how to handle the emotions and the turmoil she was experiencing, so she started withdrawing. Her father had worried about her and made her join an extra curricular activity. She was forced into theater when all the others were full. Thankfully, she loved it. She was finally making friends and coming out of her shell.

Practice had run late one night and she was the last one to get in her car. All of her friends had already left the parking lot when she realized her car wouldn't start. She had started the long five mile walk home thinking of it as a great adventure. Two miles into it she was ready for the adventure to be over. When she had seen the headlights approaching, she had been elated and scared. What if it was a serial killer? She had wanted a ride so badly, she was willing to risk it.

She recognized the car when it stopped. It was Tyler Wickham, Josiah Todd's best friend. Most people called him Wicked, male and female. He was TROUBLE and proved his nickname fit as often as he could. He put the car in park, unlocked the door with a push of a button, and waited for her to get in. She sank into the seat with extreme gratitude and beamed a smile at him.

"Where to?" he asked, barely moving his lips.

"I live past Josiah's. My car broke down and I thought I could walk it," she started, fumbling with her seat belt as he put the car in gear. She was suddenly feeling very clumsy and awkward around the town bad boy. "Turns out I'm not as athletically inclined as I thought I was," she finished with a nervous smile and what was supposed to be a small laugh. Tyler just stared at her, expressionless. He suddenly smiled and let out a huge laugh. Lydia relaxed a little and gave him directions to her house.

She had invited him inside when he pulled up to her front door. He just shook his head and warned her about the big, bad wolf. She had a feeling he was talking about himself. That thought made her shiver, but she couldn't get it out of her mind all night. The shivers it produced later weren't from fear.

They had run into each other that weekend at a party. She had been talked into going, at least once while she was in high school. She could hear the whispers when good girl Lydia Adams walked into the house. She had fled upstairs after a while, looking for a place that was quiet. She had run into Tyler coming around a corner, and he had grabbed her arms to keep her from falling. He stared at her, Lydia unable to tear her eyes away from his sky blue irises. He leaned closer to her, she retreated to the wall. When he leaned closer, softly rubbing his lips against hers, Lydia thought she was going to faint, her knees soft, legs rubbery, and heart pounding.

They had seen each other every day after that. But not in public. He didn't want to ruin her good girl rep, he kept telling her. She met him wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted. They kissed and touched and talked and kissed some more. Tyler made her body hum and she knew what all the girls were talking about. He taught her lots of things, but he didn't make love to her. He almost got carried away one day by the lake. They were spread out on a blanket and both ended up naked, but he had pulled back, walking away, his back straight. She dressed quickly and waited for him by the car. He refused to take her virginity, telling her she deserved someone better than that.

A few days later, they had the talk. She had met him at the lake again, and he seemed distant. She knew what was coming. She knew he was going to break her heart. He kept insisting that he was a poor boy from the other side of the tracks with a couple of non-caring alcoholics for parents. She insisted that just because her father was the richest man in the county, she was still in love with Tyler and didn't care where he came from. She left in tears, crawling back into the shell she thought was finally gone for good.

Lydia felt the pain of that day all over again. She had buried it for eight years and it was rearing it's ugly head. She wiped a stray tear from her face, muttering, "Stupid fool." She had just opened another beer when she heard soft footsteps crossing the grass.

"Can I have one of those?" Tyler asked. He gestured to the swing, "Can I sit?"

Grudges

One of the homeschool moms had an interesting post on Facebook. It was about burning bridges and forgiveness. I don't necessarily agree with all of the things she said, but it did start me thinking. And you know what happens when I start thinking.

I was listening to the Black Crowes on the way home from doing a little grocery shopping tonight. One of my favorite songs is "Twice as Hard". It's about how hard it is to leave the second time. It rips your guts out the first time, but the second time is worse. It means that you failed, twice. Once wasn't painful enough, you had to go and do it again. Do you burn that bridge? Do you leave a lover and give up all the hopes and dreams? Or are you giving up the comfort of a stale, dormant relationship? Been there and done that and it ripped my heart out. But it was a bridge that needed to be burned so I could grow and become. Never talked to him again except when I called him to tell him I was geting married. I had found a man that loved me for me and I was happy. I realized I had been holding a grudge. He hadn't fought hard enough to keep me. And I was much better for it. I felt almost victorious, in a way.

I received an email from someone talking about people being brought into your life. It basically said that people are brought into your life for a reason. And whether it was for a season, a lifetime, or a moment, we are destined to meet the people that we do. I thought that was very profound and I have been thinking about that as well.

At the park today we had a huge discussion about the bridges we have burned. We also talked about the bridges that we would like to burn. And the bridges we wished we hadn't burned. I love the park moms, because it is always a lively discussion.

We all have bridges that we have burned and are still holding grudges. They are all people that were close to us and for some reason we had a falling out. We could relate to each story and also take comfort in a couple. There was a kindred spirit out there that was going through the same things. It helped to be able to talk about things that had been bottled up for a very long time.

I think that is an important part of healing. I think it helps us get to the point of forgiving and forgetting. Jesus says we should forgive every time. But are some friendships worth keeping? Can we really forget?

One of my sil and I have a very strained relatonship. We started out liking each other ok, then not at all, then cordial, then friends, then not speaking, then back to being nice in each others presence, but not calling on a daily basis just to chat. I'd rather slap her, but that's not going to accomplish anything. We have unspoken under currents that ebb and flow around us. I know I give off "get the hell away from me" vibes. I am holding a major grudge and feel like she has burned the bridge from her end and I burned it from mine. I have apologized to her for my part in the rift and I have asked and received forgiveness. There are so many things that I would like to say to her that I don't know even where to begin. And when we are together it's usually a family gathering and not the most appropriate time or place to have a heavy conversation like that. I'm sure she has several things she would like to say to me, but she has yet to aproach the subject either.

This is not a friendship that I wish to renew. There is too much that has transpired between the two of us to be comfortable with each other. We may never be. And as long as we don't talk about it, I think we will stay uncomfortable. She's also family. I will have to see her almost every holiday. But I feel like that is a bridge that needs to stay burned for awhile. I might eventually decide to rebuild, but right now isn't the time. I know I need to forgive, I just want to wear my hair shirt a little longer.

I am one of those people that can hold a grudge for a long time. I am a world champion grudge holder. That's one of those things that I really have to work on. I usually let my mouth do the talking without the supervision of the brain. Then I've burned a bridge. You would think I would learn.

I like to think that I have gotten better in my choice of friends. I like to think that I have now surrounded myself with people that are in my life for a lifetime. My dream is to surround my family with people that love us and support us and that we love and support. We have a core group of friends from various backgrounds that we call family as well as friend.

Part 2

"I cannot believe the whole town is booked. I didn't expect this many people to actually show for the wedding," Josiah continued. Tyler laughed at that, making Josiah grin along with him.

"You are Josiah Todd of the Austin Todds. You are the eldest son of the eldest son. Do you really think that people don't care if you get married?" Tyler teased his friend, blue eyes twinkling in the morning sun. "Besides, this town only has, what, six people living here? So where am I leaving the Harley?"

"The town has about six thousand, believe it or not. It's smaller than where we grew up," Josiah replied, laughter in his voice. "You will be staying with Lydia Adams of all people. Do you remember her? We went to school together. I still can't believe she woumd up here."

Josiah could have been speaking gibberish for all Tyler heard. As soon as Lydia's name had been mentioned, he was thrown back in time to nineteen and the month he had spent with Lydia, learning how to feel, learning he had emotions and he didn't like them. He hadn't even told his closest friend about the experience, it had made him too raw. And then he had left her. He was trying to refocus on Josiah's voice, trying to push back the emotions and the memories.

"So we're free for now. Let's take a tour of the town," Josiah finished.

"Yeah, sounds great," he replied with what he hoped was enthusiasm.

Harper's Bend, Texas was typical of every small town. It had the quaint Main Street, small park around downtown and lots of shops and old timers sitting around shooting the breeze. The clock tower at City Hall was a cool feature and Tyler appreciated the architecture and easiness of the town. The gazebo in the middle of the town square was a nice touch. He could feel his feet ready to travel already.

They approached a small cluster of stores and Josiah was reciting the history of each. He had learned as much about the small town as he could to impress Josie and now the information was coming in handy.

"You just fit right in, don't you?" Tyler quipped, a smile hovering around his lips.

"Crazy, isn' it? I sure didn't expect it," Josiah laughed with his friend. "Come on, let's go to the diner. Margie is crazy about me. Maybe we can mooch a piece of pecan pie." Tyler laughed at the thought of his friend, who was from one of the richest families in the state, mooching a piece of pie. But readily agreed as Josiah described the pie to him.


Lydia was trying to get her palms to quit sweating. She wasn't nervous about Tyler seeing where she lived, or about the apartment. She was nervous about seeing the man that had rejected her. She was nervous about facing the man that had ripped her heart out without a backward glance. She was worried she might throw up if her stomach didn't settle down. One more time she wiped her palms on her dish rag.

She had closed the store a little early, in order to prepare herself for tonight. And she knew she was in trouble when she comped herself the blue sun dress. She frequently wore the merchandise she sold. It was free advertising. But the blue sun dress was different. It had been a purely frivolous buy. She had fallen in love with it, and several customers had tried it on. But it hadn't worked for any of them. It worked for Lydia. The sapphire blue brought out the deep red of her hair and the paleness of her eyes. It was perfect for her. That made her nervous, too.

At six on the dot she heard Josiah's big truck pull in to the driveway. She also heard the loud rumble of a motorcycle. But not just the dirt bikes or sport bike that most people rode in this area. This was a serious machine, the deep rumble of the pipes announcing the arrival of its owner. She wiped her hands again as she headed for the door.

Josie was already on the porch, Josiah talking to Tyler as the two men trailed behind. "I knew that dress would be incredible on you. I still don't know how you can tan so well being a red head. I don't think it's fair," Josie told her as she embraced her friend.

"Hey, Lydia," Josiah said, stepping onto the porch, dropping a quick kiss on her cheek. "You remember Tyler, don't you?" Josiah stepped aside an she got a good look at Tyler, all grown up and no longer nineteen.

She took Tyler's hand, heard his soft "Hello, Lydia", and knew before the night was out, she was going to throw up.

Happy BDay, Big Sis

Today is my Big Sis's birthday. I am not going to say how old she is. You have to ask her that. You can figure my age from that info. Today I will tell you a couple of my favorite stories about my sister. Some of these you may know, some you may not. But here's to you, Big Sis. I love you and I am so glad you are my sister.

One of my favorite stories is from way back. We had gone on a little road trip with the family. We did that quite often and I did it a lot when I first got my driver's license. That's one thing I love about hubby. We'll get in the car and just drive. Anyway, it was me and Big Sis, our cousin C, Mom and Ahole. That was my first step father. We had stopped to see Mary Crockett's grave. Please tell me that's Davey's wife's name, cause my brain hurts going this far back. Big Sis and C and I were wandering around the grave yard, freaking each other out, having a great time when something jumped at us and took off running. The three of us jumped fourteen different directions and screamed like a bunch of little girls. We were, but still. It was a rabbit. We scared it, and it scared us back. We laughed so hard after we realized it was a rabbit and not a dead guy.

When Big Sis was a teenager, she fought like cats and dogs with Mom. Mom hated when we had to shuffle vehicles in the driveway for one person to get out or whatever and Big Sis was determined to park in the driveway. One morning as Mom was going to work and we were going to school, Big Sis's car wouldn't start, and she was parked behind Mom. Mom had to push her car out of the way. She must have rammed the crap out of Bis Sis's car trying to move that tank. Only after we had to push Big Sis's car back into the driveway did she realize that the emergency brake was on. Mom ripped her a new one. I smiled about that all day because I was pissed at both of them. It still makes me giggle a little.

Big Sis was always there when I needed her though. She rescued me and a couple of my friends from some girls we went to school with. For some reason, they decided that they were looking for a fight and we were the lucky recipients. We stopped at the park between the pool and my house and sat on a bench with a woman who was there with her kids. We told her what was going on and she stayed with us. One of my friends finally left and went to my house. Big Sis was home thankfully. She came tearing down the street and slid into the parking lot. "Get in the car now!" she yelled at us. "And if I see you around my sister again I'll kick your ass." Yea, Big Sis.

My car broke down on Hulen during rush hour. I had to cross the road (eek!) and use the pay phone at Chili's. This was pre-cell phone, believe it or not. She came and pushed my car across that busy street into the parking lot. She did make sure my emergency brake wasn't on before we started.

She has known me all my life and for some reason still loves me. She has been my best friend for a long time. We didn't speak to each other very well when we were teenagers and she had to go live with our Dad for awhile. My then stepmother would bad mouth her to me because she knew I didn't like Big Sis very much, either. I told her one day to shut up. She looked at me and asked why. "She's my sister. Nobody talks bad about my sister but me!" Screwed logic I know, but I was 15. Give me a break.

So thanks for being my sister and my friend. I love you, Big Sis! I couldn't ask for a better one and I wouldn't take anybody else. Happy Birthday!