Apologize

There's a song out now that I am in love with. It's been out for awhile and I liked it when it came out, but the other night a group of a cappella singers did their version on the Sing Off. It's called Apologize and man, has it ever brought up alot of things for me to think about. And if you have never watched the Sing Off, you need to. Amazingly talented singers with no music who are some of the greatest artists I have ever heard. Incredible show and talent.

With all the tension that radiates this time of year, that song has hit a nerve with me. Although the song is about a love affair, it could just as easily apply to any relationship. At the park today, the big girl's friend AF was at it again. It seems like a non-stop thing with her. If she isn't being mean and snarky to someone, she isn't happy. To top it off, today she apparently put on a stellar performance for her mother. She had another friend's mom charging to the park on the warpath to chastise and punish her daughter for something that didn't quite happen the way AF made it seem. After talking to the mom, we calmed her down. She does want her daughter to aplogize for her behavior, but really she was defending herself. To apologize seems wrong to me, but I understand her reasoning. And, really, not my family to make the decision. To agree or not is not my place. We did all say our piece to the mom, and hopefully it helped. But will AF apologize? Probably not. Will AF accept any responsibility for her actions? No, because she plays her mom like a fiddle. But things are about to back fire. The big girl and her friend have decided that they can no longer be her friend. They need to take a break and regroup, so to speak. They need to walk away to save themselves. Walk on.

The incident today made me reflect on my relationship with my SIL. I was the first in the DIL line. She came after me. But when we first met, we were civil and friendly to each other. Things took a turn for the worse. For many years we were barely civil, saying things and doing things that were very hurtful to each other. Somehow, when we started having babies, we were able to be friends again. That went well for awhile. Then, she sort of dumped me, if you will. She didn't agree with a decision that hubby and I had made so she pulled back all of her support, including her friendship. There went that relationship. It was back to hurtful and spiteful. I did eventually apologize for my words and actions and took responsibility for my part in the hurt. I will never be her friend again, but that is what it is. I didn't apologize to her expecting one in return. That would have been stupid. But what still gripes me is that she has taken no responsibility for her words or actions, like it was all my fault.

What is that about? Why do some people think they have done nothing wrong? If I have offended you, tell me. I will apologize for hurting you. I may not apologize for my words. I firmly believe that if you have the balls to say something, you need to have the balls to own those words. Regardless of the situation, whether there were circumstances involving anger or alcohol, or both or something else, be responsible for what comes out of your mouth. And I will never say anything behind your back that I won't say straight to your face.

Apologizing doesn't mean that all is right and we can go back to status quo. I liked the way I put it in another blog. I will give you enough rope to hang yourself, then I will kick the chair out from under you. I carry the feelings of any situation with me. If it was happy, I feel that joy when I tell about that situation. I feel the anger or sadness or excitement or whatever emotion came with that experience.

Because I feel those emotions, I used to have a hard time forgiving. Forgiveness is so freeing though. I can still feel anxious and uptight when I see certain people, but that doesn't mean I haven't forgiven them. I can forgive, but I need to learn how to forget. I don't mean forget the action or word or deed, but forget the emotion that came along with it. Taking responsibilty for yourself is so freeing to the other party as well. You can take all of that emotion and focus on something else. That is a hard lesson to learn, but one that is so worth it.

The only person I can control is me. Have you ever tried to control me? Honey, that is a full time job plus some. When hubby and I talked about getting married, I told him I was more woman than one man could handle. He said he was up to the job. Let's just say, some days are better than others. To wrap this up, take responsibilty for yourself. Apologize if you need to. Saying you're sorry and not meaning it is one of the worst things we can do. "I'm sorry" is useless. Apologize and mean it.

Enough is Enough

I just can't take it anymore. The stress of the holiday season is just too much this year. I don't know what has made it harder. I don't know if I am weaker at heart and soul or if people are just stupider. Thanksgiving made it clear to hubby and I that we just cannot go through this year after year after year. Done. So we made some decisions. They are pretty important decisions and, on the surface, will make things easier. But I know the phone calls will start soon.

We are not spending Christmas with his family. We just cannot do it. When hubby and I married, we decided it was us against the world. I have always said that I don't care if we live in a cardboard box as long as we have each other. When the kids came along, it was as long as I had hubby and the kids. We just cannot do the fighting and arguing and the little snarky digs. Done. Enough is enough.

I've already told the kids, but he has yet to tell his parents. I am so stressed out I am on the verge of tears every time I turn around. Hubby's ulcer has fired back up, and very painfully. We try not to let the kids know what's going on, but they know that something is happening. I have very intelligent kids. It's not worth our sanity, our marriage, our family, our peace to go through this. Enough is enough.

Hopefully we will have a stress free holiday. Well, as stress free as we can. Hopefully, we can enjoy the holiday for the real meaning, and not the trap of commercialism and outdoing our friends and family. Enough is enough.