Who I Am

I think that we can all agree that who we were is not necessarily who we are. If you had known me when I was younger, you would not think that I was the same person. But sometimes, when life steps in the way, we just have to dance around it.

When I was a kid and growing up, I was so incredibly shy. Most everybody that knows me now is laughing. No, really, I mean it. But there was my "out there" side that very few people know about. If we had a project that had to be presented to the class, I almost couldn't do it. My palms would sweat, my face would turn red, my heart would race. I would feel like I was going to pass out.

Some of you have heard my story about calling to order a pizza for the first time. I was 15, and my mom was out of town. She had left enough money for my sister and I to feed ourselves for the weekend and I wanted pizza. My sister was working and I was hungry. So I called and ordered a pizza. I thought I was going to throw up. How crazy is that? I didn't have to see the person, but the act of ordering a pizza the first time made me almost lose my mind with fear.

But then there was that other side. The side that got really tired of people telling me how good I was. And how sweet I was. And how my sister was always getting into trouble and I was so good not to get in trouble. They knew so little. And it all started when I was about 16.

Most of you don't know that I was high most of the time from about 13-14. The first time I smoked a joint, I thought I could do that for the rest of my life. None of my friends knew, none of my teachers, not my sister or my mother. And my father would have killed me dead on the spot if he had known. Mom would drop me off in the morning and I would find my dope friends and get high. Then I would get high between classes. And then at lunch. And then after school. I still graduated with a 4.+. It's my darn IQ. It's off the charts, on the high side.

I finally quit when one night after I had hallucinations. I was riding around the lake one night, smoking dope with my friends. I saw lights coming at us, but I couldn't make out what they were. And then I saw them again. And then again. The last time I decided I would see if I could see where they were going. When I turned my head, the lights turned red. It completely freaked me out. I was too high to know that they were cars that were passing us. I decided that was enough for me. Not that I quit for good.

I picked it up again later when I lived in Austin. What a great town that is. I actually worked with my dealer. I was her boss. Sounds crazy doesn't it? Live my life, man. But never walk in my shoes. Where was I? Oh, yeah.

My best friend and my sister's best friend were sisters. We used to watch our sisters do really stupid things and get caught. I would look at my best friend and say, "Not only can we do that, but we can do it better and not get caught." And boy did we do it better. And we never got caught. I did get busted by my mom one time when I was drunk, but she told me to never come home drunk again. I did, I just didn't tell her. I could tell you stories that would make you wonder how I am still alive. The only thing I can tell you is by the grace of God. One day I'll tell you about getting left at a party where I knew nobody once my friends left me. The guys who gave me a ride home could very well have given me something else as out of it as I was, but somehow I got home in one piece, and alive and unhurt.

I had decided at one point that I didn't want to be the shy, wall flower that I had been all my life. So to compensate I went way the other way. I was bold and out there and in your face. And man, could I ever get in your face.

When I moved to Austin, I got to be really good friends with the decorator that worked in our store. She was amazed that at 22, I knew who Peter Frampton was. His "Frampton Comes Alive" album is the second greatest live album behind Cheap Trick's "Live at Budokan". She asked me to go dancing one night. She had had a really bad wreck a couple of years previously and had pins and screws in her knee. She had just had them taken out and finished rehab and was ready to try it out. She didn't know that I was one hell of a dancer. Still am actually. I love to dance, but again, that's for another time. After dancing our asses off for a few hours, she deemed me worthy to party with. I am pretty cool to hang out with. That was all it took to let it all out with my new group of friends.

We were out partying with a group of female friends when one of them spotted a really hot guy at the bar. Of course, nobody would go talk to him. But they dared me to grab his butt. I just rolled my eyes at them, finished my drink in one swallow, and headed for the bar. I walked over to him and introduced myself. I pointed out my group of friends, and told him that they wanted me to grab his ass. So I politely asked if it would be OK if I did that. He agreed and let me grab his fine, fine ass. And what a nice handful that was. Then he bought me a drink. He said that was the first time a beautiful woman had approached him like that. I told him he would never meet anyone quite like me again.

When I got my job in Vegas, I was nervous as anything to move to another city where I knew 1 person. I told you I was out there. I think that I overcompensated the other way. I was too bold, too out there, too in your face at times. I drove out there all by myself from Ft. Worth. My mother was so scared for me. Sometimes I was, too, but I made it. I did get to see a part of the country that was new to me. And it was beautiful. But a word to the wise. Do not drive in New Mexico or Arizona during a hail storm. That wasn't the smartest thing I have ever done, but again, I made it.

My first night in Vegas sort of set the tone for the year I lived there. I called my friend, who at that time was really a friend of my mother's. She said her husband had just left for Saudi Arabia, and I should come out to the bar with her. Alcohol? OK. So I fixed myself up and out the door I went. I had my big Texas hair, a shirt that showed off the ladies, and I was driving my Eagle Talon. I looked damn good in that car. I miss it sometimes while I'm driving my minivan.

No sooner had we walked in the bar, that happened to be on the Air Force base, that I get propositioned. But not even directly. We walked into the bathroom almost as soon as we got there and this girl walks in behind us. She asked if I had seen the guy sitting at the first table. I said sure. She said, "He would really like to fuck you." Yeah, stand in line, buddy. I told her if he was enlisted, he didn't make enough money. I was really high maintenance. And the rest of the time I was there, I was surrounded by men. I loved that town. Even when I started dating my husband, they didn't care. When I got engaged, it was like a red flag to a bull.

The first time a bunch of us got together to go out, we went dancing. Vegas has some really awesome clubs, by the way. And if you play the cleavage just right, you can get in anywhere. I have plenty of cleavage, and I'm not afraid to use it. I dragged a male friend out onto the dance floor and shook my ass all night long. It was after 3 am when I got home. I had to work the next day and it was time for me to go. I did hear a conversation the next day about the way I dance. It was all complimentary, so I was pretty happy about that. It always makes me feel good when someone tells me I really know how to dance. I spent enough time dancing by myself in my room, I better be able to do something on the dance floor.

But wouldn't you know that life again stepped in the way. When the babies start coming, priorities get readjusted. And responsibility starts rearing it's ugly head. Responsibility sucks. But I still wouldn't trade the things I've done, or the places I've been, or the people I met for anything in the world. It helped me become the person I am now. And the mother. And the wife. And the friend. And all the other parts that make up the whole. I took a part of my life and changed it. I changed it again when what I was doing and how I was behaving wasn't working for me anymore. It shaped the way I think and feel. It shaped the way I am now. And I know what to look for when my kids think they are getting away with something.