Gobble This

Thanksgiving sucked for me. I should preface that statement by saying that the holidays usually suck for me. I miss my family. I miss the way we did things. I miss being around people that generously and unequivocally love us. I have come to the point that being around hubby's family just sets me on edge. And since my day started with fighting, me saying I wasn't going, and telling hubby I would have a bag packed and ready for him to get out when he brought the kids home, I would have to say that yes, my day SUCKED. On a bright note, I did go, practically told my MIL that she was a stupid bitch for coddling her sons, and hubby still lives with us. I guess all's well that ends well. Almost, anyway.

I don't have time for whiners. Yes, I may whine and complain, but at least I try to face whatever issue it is. To condone bad behavior, to coddle a fool, is not what I am made of. Cowboy, or cowgirl, up and ride. Figure out what needs to be done, ask for help, but to wait for karma to kick someone in the ass is useless. Kick 'em in the ass yourself and let's move on. I do not suffer fools.

Depression is my illness. Today it wrapped itself around me like a well worn, comfortable blanket. The problem is that although it is well worn since I have had it for as long as I can remember, it is not comfortable. It is grating and prickly. I actually had to pull away from my family today to sleep, to block out the voice that were whispering in my ear how useless I am, whispering that my marriage was a wreck and I was to blame.

My feelings are hurt. My emotions are raw. I need to be numb. I do not want to feel this tonight. Tonight I will numb myself with Wild Turkey, which I don't usually do. I would much rather have a big, fat sack to roll and smoke and forget that I hurt, but that isn't happening. Tonight I hide from the pain, I hide from myself, and I hide from my issues. Tomorrow I face them head on. Tomorrow seems so far away, but will be here before I know it. Tonight, I just don't want to feel or think.

You want honest, well there it is.