About a year or so ago, I got sucked into Facebook. Man, oh, man. Sometims it's a good thing. I have reconnected with some old friends, I am able to see pictures of family that I haven't seen in years, and it's yet another way to keep in touch with those that are far away. It's also horrible for my self confidence.
I had lots of dreams when I was growing up. Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up? I do. For a long time I wanted to become a veterinarian. Then I found out how much school is involved. I was in middle school when I found that out, so that much school was more than I wanted to do. Then I wanted to join the Air Force and become a helicopter pilot. Ooh, bad attitude and the military, not a good combination. This was, by the way, during the time they could still yell at you. I would have gotten myself in some major trouble. Then one day, I was watching TV. I watched TV every day, but this had a profound effect on me. It was a story about Sea World and the dolphin trainers. That was the one thing I settled on. It became THE dream.
I took three years of biology and loved it. I also had the best biology teacher ever. I was set and ready when I graduated. I had already decided that I was going to go to a junior college (also known as a community college) to start with. Get all the basics out of the way in a little more relaxed atmosphere and call it good. I even got a freshman scholarship. I took 16 hours my first semester and 14 the second. It was free and I was going to get as much out of it as I could. One problem, though. I expected help to get through the rest of college. I didn't get it.
I was expecting help from my parents to pay for college. I didn't get any. None. Nada. Zip. To be fair, after they told me they would help me, it was at the end of my freshman year. I had gotten through with straight A's. I was so angry at them, I decided that I would put myself through school. I was almost done when I got a job transfer that I really wanted. I told myself I would go back. I didn't and still haven't. I would like to complete my degree soon, but right now, homeschooling three kids, I don't think I could give them the quality education they deserve if my nose is shoved in a book studying.
So back to Facebook now that I have taken you on this long road trip. I look at the roads that my friends have taken and feel like putting my head under a pillow. I have friends that have gone on to become doctors, lawyers, and Indian chiefs. I was expected to go on and do great things with my life. I was supposed to be working at Sea World (in San Antonio, not Orlando) with dolphins as my best friends. Instead, I'm a stay at home mom. I had someone tell me I was too smart to just be a mom. Thanks, but what does that mean? It apparently means that I am not living up to my potential.
It also means that all those insecurities that I have rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune time. It digs at my self confidence until I feel like I can't do anything right. It means that I can't wear short skirts or everyone will see my insecurities for what they are. It means that I am human and have issues and, finally, I am Ok with me not being perfect. I am finally free to live my life the way it is, not the way it should have been.
It means that I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about my life. Am I living up to my potential? Hell, yeah. I am teaching three smarty pants kids about life and books and the love of learning. I am teaching my family about love and kindness and the right way to say please and thank you. I am raising three children to become bright, upstanding people that are shining stars in this world. It also means that every time my insecurities start showing, I lower the hem on my skirt so you can't see them.
We all have moments that make us feel that we have taken the wrong path. We all have moments that our insecurities are on display for everyone to see. We all have those times, and these are the ones that need to stay in the forefront of our minds, that we know what we are doing with our lives is so much better than anything we could have planned. The next time I see that a friend has gone on to bigger and better things than I have accomplished I will probably allow myself a little whiny time. Then I will put on my short skirt and my high heels and embrace myself, insecurities and all.
1 comment:
Right there with you, sista!!!
Post a Comment