Screaming Mimi

I am normally a very generous person. I give of my time, my home, my ears and shoulders, more advice than should be allowed. The one thing, above all that makes me scream when I have to give it, is money. My flesh is not giving when it comes to that. It screams and aches and I get moody and depressed. And if I'm expecting to get something for my money and I don't, good grief.

We were bowling with the youth the other night. It was $1 per game and $1 for shoes. Not a huge expense. The three of us paid $12 to bowl. Three games and shoes for each of us. We took a little extra for food and drinks. We had a new guy show up that was interested in the program. Actually, his mom was interested. He looked bored and like he wanted to be anywhere else but there. Hopefully, though, he'll show up this Sunday when we're back on our regular schedule.

Mom didn't have money. One of our other volunteers paid for the son to bowl. Why would you show up without any money to bowl? I was having a hard time with that. Hubby, on the other hand, paid for her to have shoes and bowl. OK. When he approached me about it, I was leery. There was my flesh putting up a fight. I know in my mind that it was the right thing to do. She may have come to not bowl and just watch. I don't know. All I know is that there went $4.

When we were done bowling, we hadn't bowled as many games as we had all paid for. Hubby said it would compensate for what we paid for mom to bowl. Fine with me. Except when hubby went to check out, the group was owed $14. Apparently, several of us over paid. That's fine, too. We expected to get to bowl more than we did. Instead of taking back our $4, he handed it all to one of the volunteers and said to add it to the youth fund. What? I want my $4. Screaming flesh, screaming flesh. He looks at me with that innocent little look and says, "That's alright, isn't it?"

My first response was a very resounding "Are you out of you f*ing mind?" Not really appropriate for a youth night, so I actually just said through very gritted teeth "No, but since you've already done it, what do you want me to say that doesn't make me look like a bitch?" Yeah, I'm real mature sometimes. Flesh was almost hoarse by this time from all this screaming.

I'm not telling this story to reflect badly upon my hubby's generous nature. In fact, I absolutely think that he did the right thing. I can look at it now and be more than happy about the situation. I can see how petty I was being. But, dude, when it was happening I was so tanked up. I think it's that cycle thing. You know the one. What goes around comes around. Fate, karma, kismet, God making sure that you have learned your lesson. I know which one I'm going with, you can make your own choice.

See, here's the thing. I have never been the most responsible with other people's money. My poor mom. I am so sorry, Mom. You should have slapped me a long time ago for that, but thanks for not making a huge deal out of it. Thanks for letting me learn that huge, ugly lesson. I probably owe my mom about $3,000. One day, I might actually have it to give it to her. I should probably just shut up and start paying her back. Now that I think about it, I should have already done it. I digress yet again.

We have loaned money out to some in laws, who shall remain nameless, but my flesh wants to scream out their names. There was the promise of pay back. If it had been a meaningless some of money, like $50 or so, no big deal. But we are talking hundreds. Hundreds that would have been nice to have back. Hundreds that should have been paid back and left me feeling that their word was worth nothing. Hundreds that made me feel like I was meaningless to them. Hundreds that I will never see, that I need to let go, that doesn't mean as much as I think it does. Hundreds that God used to make me realize that all this hurt I'm carrying around is useless. Hundreds that God used to make me think about the importance of forgiveness and letting go. Hundreds that God used to make me feel humble.

I am letting it go. I am forgiving. I am realizing that if we have $4 and can bring 2 hours of joy to someone, why not? On to the next lesson.