Birthdays

Ooooh, Pitbull is a dirty, dirty, dirty dog! I asked my friend N to translate part of  a song. He is a bad, bad boy. I like his voice and the beat of his songs. Shake Senora makes me want to shake my senora. That's not what this blog is about, that's just what's blasting through my ear buds. But I digress again. Duh.

Today was my big girl's birthday. She is 14. What the hell?!?!?! You should see her. She's freaking gorgeous. Little boys pant when she walks by. Mama glares at the little boys and they run away. It was a rough day. Not for the big girl, but for me. This was the first birthday for one of my kids that Mermie wasn't here to make her phone call. I've felt like I was on the edge of a cliff all day. Just one miniscule breeze could make me fall off.

We don't answer our home phone. If you don't have my cell, I don't want to talk to you. That's just the way it is. Well, the phone seemed to ring off the hook today. One was from the church. They called to wish the big girl happy birthday. I had played the message already and hit replay when the big girl came to my room. I expected it to play the message from the church, not thinking it was in the "you already played that message" cue. With the message from my mom from my last birthday I have saved. I fast forwarded as quickly as I could and played the message from the church. By this time all the kids were gathered around the answering machine. When the message from the church was over, they asked if they could hear the one from Mermie. So I played it.

I miss her so much. My heart aches and aches some days. I see something on TV or hear something on the radio and I want to call her. I make a new dish or an old one and I want to call her. The kids do something great or even not so great and I want to call her. But I can't. And that sucks.

The boy was feeling extra sensitive today anyway for some reason. I don't know if he was getting his emotional cues from me or what, but he couldn't take it. He just burst into tears and fell into my arms. Deep, sorrowful sobs poured from my boy as I held him and cried with him. We held each other and talked about how much we miss her. We talked about wanting to see her again. We talked about last summer and how much fun we had. And we cried and we cried and we cried. What a big, strong young man he is.

I had to go to the garden. I needed a little quiet to process. And cry a little more. It was a rough day, for sure. I called hubby after a minute or so and talked to him about it. And cried some more. Grieving sucks, by the way. The smallest thing will set me off. I have two friends that don't have Facebook and have been out of town for several weeks. They both happened to come to the park. One of them asked about my mom. Well, shit, where did the tears come from? It took me a while to compose myself. Lots of deep breathing going on there.

The big girl seemed to have a good day. She even got her room cleaned for her sleepover. Yea for a houseful of teenage girls. It could be worse. It could be a houseful of teenage boys. That day will come, I'm sure. Sooner than I want it to. We went to dinner and had a wonderful time. There will be an ice cream cake and presents and friends tomorrow. And Mermie will always be with us in our hearts.