Throwing in the Towel

I am done. Stick a fork in me. I cannot do it one more day. Only I will. Time moves on. Life will carry on with or with out me, because that's what life does. And that's the problem.

I despise the holidays. The last few years have been much better without the family drama. Only there is still that little bit of guilt tripping. Hubby gets it when he goes to his parent's house. His mama kind of mopes around making comments about cleaning and cooking "in case people show up." Big. Sigh. He finally told his mama that if she wanted to see him and the kids on the holidays, she would need to call me. And talk to me. And invite me over. We'll see how that goes. But that isn't the reason I'm done.

I miss my mom. Holy cow, every day is a struggle to get out of bed. Every day is a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. But the holidays just rip out my guts. We always called each other and talked about menus. We always called and talked about what the plans were. We always talked about the inordinate amount of drama that came about at the holidays. We always talked. I miss that.

When hubby and I first moved out here, I incorporated as many of my family's traditions into our holidays as I could. The first time I made broccoli cheese casserole, he kissed me. I love him. We started some traditions of our own, and as the kids started coming we added/changed/got rid of some as well. But always there were those things that made me feel like I had my family around me. One of the biggest parts of my life is gone now. And I am filled with angst and yuck.

We are scheduled pretty tightly until the end of the year. It is what I have to do to keep the feelings from overwhelming me. The busier I am, the less time I have to think about it. I have friends that say "You are so organized." No, it's me trying to maintain control of those few things I can control. I don't feel like I can control my emotions very well. I feel like I am on the brink of breaking down so often. I have had to walk out of the kids' practice a couple of times just to have a moment.

I am so tired of being strong. I am so tired of being the one that has to take care of "it", whatever "it" may be. I feel like I need some time to just be. To just breathe. To just grieve. To just...

So I'm taking it. I'm throwing in the towel. I'm taking some time for me, just for me, to readjust my attitude. To readjust my mind. To recharge my batteries. And to drink beer. And eat some chocolate. Beer and chocolate make it all better. I just need to be quiet for just a few minutes. Then I'm putting one foot in front of the other. Again and again and again.