So begins the exchanges and volleys that mean the holiday season is here. In my last post, I said I was done. Well, I may be doner than I think. I'm done playing the game. I don't play games well. To try to prevent a seasonal melt down, I sent this to my SIL:
You and I seem to have a history of chronically misunderstanding each other and reading more into things than need be necessary. As the holidays get closer, I know that I get more and more stressed out thinking about how much time we have to spend together and I know you aren't always comfortable with the idea either. I don't want our relationship to cause yet another rift in the family and, worse, another rift between brothers. We've been there, done that, and we could right a book and sell t-shirts, but that won't get us any closer to settling things and at least coming to a cease fire or a truce of some sort.
I propose that Friday evening, if you have time, while we are dropping our girls off, you and I spend some time trying to figure it out. Maybe that will make the holidays better for both of our families and better for us. I can't drop off until after Z's dance class. It's over at 6:30 and I'll be at the parents house no later than 6:45, barring any unforeseen circumstances.
Let me know what you think.
It's time. It's time to clear the air. It's time. Notice I didn't say where. I just said we could meet. But because my SIL has to throw a wrench into everything that wasn't her idea, I got this back from her:
I am sorry, but I do not think that the parents house is an appropriate meeting place for us. I would rather not have the children around when this conversation goes on. I am trying to keep things as cool as possible around the children because I know that they are really good friends and it does not matter how we feel about each other that needs to stay that way. However, I do feel that maybe a better time would be when the boys could watch the children and we go get a coffee of soda or water and take it to the park or something. Just a suggestion.
No time like the present. Why wait? I said no, Friday was the day. We could leave the kids at my IL, go grab a coffee, and talk. If we continue to put it off, we'll never do it. The relationship will never be what it was, and I'm ok with that. We do however, need to find some common ground. We need to stop this incessant back and forth of she said/she said. Are we in middle school? We act like it.
I called hubby to read my e-mail to him before I sent it. He happened to be at his parent's house for lunch. He said it was a great idea. As long as I didn't get into too much of a heated discussion. Strike one against you, buddy. My SIL also mentioned a heated discussion. I hope she was talking about herself. Then my MIL said she hoped my SIL didn't come home with a bloody nose. Are you fucking serious? So nobody thinks I can have a conversation with out smacking someone down? All of you that I have heated discussions with that I beat down into the dirt like a dog, please stand up. Anyone? Anyone? That means I can have a reasonable discussion, so all you naysayers can kiss my ass. I know, it's the attitude. But, c'mon, I am an adult. I know how to behave.
I was also told that this would be a waste of my time. My SIL accepts no responsibility because she never does anything wrong. I have to try. I have to know that I gave it an effort to bury the hatchet, figuratively not literally. That is how I take some of the control back. I have to have a way to let go of the resentment, the feelings of betrayal, and all the other ick. I don't want this year to be like all the rest. But here's something to think about. My SIL is going to have Thanksgiving at her house. She invited my MIL and FIL. But she didn't invite us. Our husbands are brothers. Wow. It's that kind of crap that sets me off.
We'll see what happens. I am hoping for understanding. I am hoping that I can get this crap off my chest. I am hoping that although I don't want to be her friend anymore, we can be cordial and at least have conversations that don't end "heatedly". I am hoping for better holidays. I am hoping to win the Powerball so we can move to Texas and have Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family. Come on, Powerball!!!!
2 comments:
Hello Dear,
I don’t know all the details about your husband’s family and you, but I can tell it causes you a lot of pain and anger. I learned a long time ago that when it comes to relationships even with family, that bickering and fighting can just eat you up. If you had a tumor in your leg and the choice was to die or cut off your leg, why you would cut it off of course! Same with family. Why, I have a sister that I haven’t talked to in over 20 years, and we live in the same town. Once I cut that person out of my life, I was so much happier. I think the same thing with your sister in law. Neither one of you like each other, so why force something that will never work out? If you have to see her, just be civil to her. Who cares what she thinks or says about you? You are you and she is she and that is just how it is. I know you have your husband’s parents to think of, but sometimes you have to choose what is best for you and your family. Why, I would look at not being invited to her house as a blessing and not as a slight! Why, now you get to do thanksgiving with just your little family. You don’t have the stresses of being around a bunch of people you don’t like, no stress to get ready and go somewhere you don’t want to go, eating somebody else’s bird and stuffing. You just do your holidays the way you want to. Your husband is a big boy, if he wants to see his family, send him on over for a couple of hours and stay home! It took me 50 plus years, but I finally learned how to amputate.
Hi Maureen,
Actually this is the last step before amputation. I want to know that I've done everything that I can to clear the air and at least make it civil if not cordial. I can live with civil; cordial is a dream. We have spent Christmas with just our family pod and it was incredible!! No stress, eating in pajamas, hanging out with the coolest people I have ever known. Glorious!! And, thankfully, hubby is OK with it. He works not too far from his parents and stops by frequently for lunch.
Thank you so much for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated. I wish every family could be the Cleavers, but it's not all roses when the cameras are off. We'll see what happens for sure. And you know I'll blog about it!!
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