Summer of Suck Ass

I seriously dislike this computer. As soon as we can afford a new one it is on. I should warn you that since I haven't had a real computer and therefore haven't had the ability to blog, I have a lot of angst built up. It's all gonna come spewing out here.My summer sucked as for the majority of it. I'm trying to make up for it and finish strong, but we'll see. Here's my rundown.

• My mom died. What the hell? I despise doctors that say "I can cure that" or "I can fix that" and then they don't listen because they've been doing this for a long time. Guess what, you're still getting it wrong, dumb ass. She's dead and you're an idiot. This disease should not have killed my mother. Chemo shouldn't have killed her. Radiation shouldn't have affected her. Her doctor should know that sugar is cancer's best friend but not the best friend of the patient. They shouldn't serve yogurt, sodas, and preservative-laden frozen meals as "snacks" at the cancer center for chemo patients. They do that to guarantee repeat business. Kinda hard to have repeat business if you're killing your patients. Yeah, I know, I should tell you how I really feel. My feelings are still all over the place. On one hand I handle all this with grace and wisdom given to me by God. Some days I do not handle this well at all and just want to spend all day in bed sobbing my eyes out and missing my mommy. Today is a pull the covers over my head day. 
• When my feelings are all wonky, I tend to cuss in front of my kids. ALOT. The big girl asked me if she could start saying "crap". At least that's all she's wanting to say. I imagine the boy cusses like a sailor when he's with his friends. He is his mother's child. I'm hoping the cathartic release of anxiety and ick through blogging will help with that. And just stepping up and cleaning up my fucking language. Good luck with that shit. 
• Summer camp was a bust for my kids. We had to pull them out Thursday morning to go to Texas. It was the boy's first year. When we picked them up, the boy had a huge bruise on his forehead. He had a head on collision with another boy. The nurse had drawn on his head with a marker to outline the initial swelling and did neuro checks all night to make sure he and the other boy were alright. The boy said the night before he looked like a unicorn. As his bruise changed colors, we teased him about being a rainbow unicorn. He actually didn't mind that. The big girl was very stand-offish when we got there. She knew why we there to pick them up. She wouldn't let me touch her until we left the office. They had a great time while they were there, and I sure hated to interrupt that. I didn't really have a choice.
• Summer reading didn't happen. I mean, we've read. We just haven't read like we normally do and the prizes did not roll in this summer. I did manage to read all of the 50 Shades of Grey books. Look for that blog. I'm calling it 50 Shades of Bullshit. Good books, don't get me wrong. Sooo not what everyone is making them out to be. There was no writing workshop for the big girl (which she really wanted to do), limited Pokemon Club for the boy and I haven't taken the time to work with the baby on her r/l combinations. We did get registered for one of the reading programs, but then I had to fight with the teenage volunteer who didn't give me all the info I needed when we got started. At one point I pulled out the old "You are on the customer service side of the desk. I am on the customer side. That means you hush and let me finish asking my questions before you try to anticipate, incorrectly, what my question is going to be." I was having a day, can you tell? But, good grief, don't tell me one thing then change it when I try to follow the rules. She was glad we left. Me, too.
• I am so behind in blogging. My laptop took a dump. All my pics are on it. We need to take it somewhere and have the pics taken off. I'm not worried about anything else. I was trying to get the pics on a disc before it really died, but it didn't happen. 
• And, finally, something that shouldn't make me happy, but makes me freakin' ecstatic: Hubby's oldest brother and his bitch ass wife are getting a divorce! They are the ones that started all the bullshit last holiday season and were our main motivation for amputating our relationship with most of hubby's family. They are the ones that questioned our marriage and relationship and family life without knowing a damn thing about it. All I wanted to do was sing "Ding, dong, the witch is dead. Which ol' witch? The wicked witch!" Will I make it to family functions now? Yeah, no. Thank you so much for the offer, but I think I'll just continue with what I'm doing. Still a very flimsy bridge we cross. 

See, lots of yucky stuff just wanting to boil over. I am not one to keep things in. I think you've figured that out by now. I am a spew it forth kind of gal. Gosh I feel better already. Now to get in the shower and really start my day. Oooo, I think I'm going to the library. Yeah, not that one.      

We Interrupt This Program...

I've sat down three times to write this blog. I've sat down in front of the computer more times than that but just couldn't bring myself to actually write. I didn't even sign on to Blogger. Because this one, this one sucks more than any one I've ever had to write. My mom died. See, now that hurt. I should warn you that I have courage from an outside source. I'll let you imagine what and we'll go with that.

She had not done well the last couple of months. She had started to mix up her meds and my stepdad's. She started burning dishes that she had been making for 40+ years. My sister would call with the latest and my heart would break just a little more and I would cry. She was spending more and more time in the hospital. And my heart would break just a little more and I would cry and cry. Towards the end I was beside myself. My kids were scheduled to go to camp. They had worked so hard and that sounds like such a lame excuse, but whatever. As cruel and harsh as it sounds, life has to go on. We rearranged hubby's vacation and days off twice to leave sooner and sooner. Mom stopped eating. Then she stopped drinking. Then she went to hospice. Then she died. And I miss her.

I miss her laugh. I miss butting heads with her. I get my stubbornness from her, you know. I always tell people that if they met my mom once, they would know why I am the way I am. I mean that with the upmost respect. My mom was smart and beautiful and hard working and demanding and outspoken and loving and kind and so many other things. She had a hard start in life and wanted to make sure that her girls had better.

She called me for my birthday. She left a message on my home phone and my cell phone. I knew it wouldn't be long and I may not talk to my mom again, so I saved them both. I called her back and talked to her. We were at Epcot watching the fireworks off in the distance. It was good to hear her voice. On the message at the house she's fussing at my aunt and stepdad while she's wishing me happy birthday. That's my mom.

She opened her home and her heart to so many people. Big Sis and I had several friends that rotated in and out of the extra bedroom. Good thing she had that room. Her grandbabies were her life. She doted on each and every one. She hung the moon special just for them. She said her goal for the grandbabies was to be the best Mermie ever. And she was. Watching them cry was so hard. There was nothing I could do to stop it. We did talk about the physical death and that we miss the body. It helped a little, but that physical loss is something fierce.

We know that she is whole and well and feels no pain now. She knew Jesus and had a relationship with Him. She will be waiting for us when it's our turn. She was ushered in by her mother and brother. One of my aunts said my grandmother is wondering why she's stuck with the two that are the most ornery. God's funny that way, isn't He?

We went to the Rockin' C and spread her ashes. It was a beautiful day. We spread them by her chickens, in her garden and by the pond under the shade of the trees. The kids were so great about grabbing a handful. Even stepdad spread some. I got to bring some home with me. I'm looking for a company that makes jewelry that you store ashes in. I want a necklace. Or maybe a ring.   

Big Sis said Mother's Day was going to suck. Yes, it is. My heart hurts. Some days are better than others. But I still miss her.

Slugging It Out

No, I didn't get in a fight. I could have, but I chose the high ground. It sucked, just so you know. I am not about walking away. I am about beating my opinion into you until you see things my way. Anyway...I've been lazy. You wouldn't think that with everything I do all day, but for the most part, lazy has been the MO. I am a slug. If it gets done, it takes FOREVER. That changes today. I even opened the curtains in my room to let the light in. That is saying something.

• My house is a sty. After four days of recital, a day at Disney, and a million other things, there has been minimal cleaning happening. I have laundry stacked in the living room, my bathroom is atrocious, there are things growing in my shower. I'm not sure they're carbon based life forms. They could be anything. The only thing that even got close to being accomplished on the cleaning front is the dishes. That doesn't count, though, because we ate out for three days. Just dinner, but that was enough. My body is in defensive mode from all the junk. I am slowly but surely getting us back on track. It'll probably happen about the time we start school again. And get really busy. Shit.
• I am loving our Disney passes. We have the best time just popping down there for a little while then coming home. My favorite part- Epcot serves beer. So do a couple of the other parks. Does it make me a bad parent that I like to drink beer at Disney? It is the happiest place on Earth, right? It only makes sense to serve beer. All those screaming kids, sometimes belonging to you. There must be alcohol just to get through your day. Animal Kingdom has a place that is a full bar. We don't go there. Animal kingdom yes, bar no. That could end badly.
• I hate trying on bras. I love my boobs, but trying to contain these two is like herding cats. Good luck! And all those pretty, lacy bras that supposedly add a cupsize do NOT fit women with real, saggy boobs (I probably should have said saggy, real boobs. At least I put a comma between the two. That makes them real and saggy, not real saggy.) I fall out of them just trying them on. I did find one bra that is pretty and lacy and actually lifts the ladies. It does not, however, seperate them all the time. Depending on the shirt I'm wearing, I occasionally look like I have a firm, perky boob. Just one. It pushes them up alright, but it also pushes them together. One day, one day, I'll find the right bra. I wish that was today. 
• I have started wearing pajamas to bed. I know what you're thinking: TMI. What I mean is that I change my clothes before I get in bed. I used to just sleep in whatever shirt I wore that day, unless it was a sweaty day. Now the thought of sleeping in all the junk that I was in all day grosses me out. I have got to change my clothes before I get in my bed. Who wants to sleep in WalMart? That's what I felt like. Like I was sleeping in the atmosphere of all the places I had been that day. Blech! 
• I don't like finding out that someone I really like has a mean streak. I found out some things about someone I really admire this past weekend. I felt kinda heart broken. I know we all have those things that happen when our front door closes, but still. I really don't like finding out that the mean streak was aimed at someone else that I greatly admire. Just makes me want to slap them both. One for taking it, one for dishing it out. Grrrrr...
• On the inlaw side, hubby freaked me out. He asked as we were heading to recital if I had ordered a DVD. No, I was gonna do that, I just hadn't yet. Why? His mama wants a DVD. So she can watch her grandkids dance. Why haven't you seen them dance the last ten years? That's how long the big girl has been dancing. She has not been to one performance. I have to say that I have not been very generous about the time my kids get to spend over there. Since all of the crap started last holiday season, they have seen the two younger ones twice and they haven't seen the big girl at all. That's eight months. I think they are finally seeing what living without the "good" grandkids is like. And they don't like it. It's about damn time. I was a good girl. I ordered her a DVD, flesh screaming the whole time. It was the right thing to do, but it sucked my ass doing it.
• This has not been easy for hubby. I know it hasn't. He loves his parents. I don't blame him. I love mine, too. He is torn between the people that birthed him and the woman he chose. I still encourage him to go see his parents as often as he can. He even took his daddy fishing. They didn't catch a darn thing, but they enjoyed it. That's all you can ask for, really.

That's about all I got for now. I marked some stuff off my list. I guess something did get accomplished today. That means nap time. Whoo hoo!!

Busy Work

What "they" don't tell you is that when you go for a simpler life, life gets busy. And I do NOT need any help making myself busier. Here's a few things from my list I've been keeping. I may not be blogging, but I'm still keeping my list for when I can blog. In no particular order:

• I am in overload mode right now. This has been one of those weeks that we have something to do every day. It would be ok if we only had one thing to do every day. It hasn't been that simple. I have also been pushed into a couple of last minute meetings. I don't do last minute. It pisses me off. I was asked, yesterday while in a last minute meeting, to complete a task that had been started by someone else. Not bloody likely. I kinda got fussed at, which I took well (insert eye rolling here because you know I didn't), and pushed right back. Then had to defend our youth group because the other person got bitchy. I guess he didn't realize that I am queen bitch. It ended well. Mostly. I walked away. See, I can. I was muttering a mile a minute under my breath, but I walked. I need some downtime in a serious, serious way. We're going to try to take a mini vacation pretty soon. Just a couple days at the beach. Or Disney. 
• I am so sick of hearing how Obama has finally embraced gay marriage. I know he's the first sitting POTUS to say it, but do we all realize it's an election year? I am also sick of hearing that gay people deserve love, too. Let me clarify before you jump my crap. I think we all deserve love, but gay marriage doesn't have anything to do with finding love. They've found someone they love. It has to do with celebrating that love. Let's stick to the issue of why gay marriage should be made legal or not. Politics doesn't govern who should fall in love and who doesn't. Love is one of those things that just happens, for whatever reason. So, in your arguments for or against, can we leave love out of it? They want rights. BIG difference. 
• There are schools above the Mason-Dixon line that are banning bake sales at schools due to childhood obesity. Oh my giddy aunt!! Bake sales aren't evil. Neither are baked goods. It's what you put into those baked goods that makes them horrible. Or, even more specifically, it's what's in the mix you use to make those baked goods. I make an incredibly delicious sweet potato chocolate cake that is very good for you. Not when I sit and eat the whole damn thing by myself, but you know what I mean. How about we start with banning high fructose corn syrup? How about we stop bleaching and enriching flour? How about we admit that good habits need to start at home? So many better things to do than ban bake sales.
• I also read an article (sometimes I should just not, but I get sucked in and there you go) That eating locally is not always better. It had to do with the carbon foot print and jobs and travel time and whatever. I call bullshit. I wish I had the link to the article. You could read it for yourself. I don't know if you know that it takes energy to get our food to us. From the cultivating the soil, to the growing, to the selling, to the transportation, every step takes energy. You actually use less energy and make a smaller carbon foot print when you buy local. Those jobs in California? I'm not really worried about them. They'll find someone to sell avocados to. As for freshness, it doesn't get better than pulling your dinner out of the garden and eating it. The article was basically saying that buying your food locally was tantamount to treason. Really? Please don't fall for that.
• Cameras are everywhere. Please wear underpants and don't pick your nose unless you want to see it on the internet.

I think that's enough to rile you up this morning. I'm feeling antsy. Like there's a bunch of stuff I need to do, but I'm not doing it. Guess that's my cue.

 

Whoo Wee!!

Has it really been that long since I've blogged? I am so sorry. Things have been a little nutso around here. Ok, things are always nutso around here, but now they're a different kind of nutso. Ready for an update blog? Good, 'cause that's what you're getting today. And it's gonna make me seem like a redneck, or at the least, a country bumkin.

• Hubby and I are great project starters. It's the finishing we have issue with. There are a couple of things that have become near and dear to our hearts and we were determined. The first was the garden. We worked very hard to get it built, filled, and growing. It is so beautiful. We have so much zucchini growing right now, I have visions of quick breads and muffins and stuffed and all kinds of different ways to make it. The tomatoes are rocking. So excited about all the fruits of the labors. We're hoping everything will start to ripen soon and we can start harvesting. I'm looking for a great homemade spaghetti sauce recipe. I'm also looking for a tomato sauce recipe. We could make our own ketchup and BBQ sauce. Yeah, we have plans.
• The second big project we worked on was the chicken coop. That was four days of back breaking, fall into bed exhausted work. At one point I had to keep repeating over and over "Just keep moving". I almost did the Dory thing but changed my mind. Hubby and I had talked about what we wanted the coop to look like, how the roosts should look, where we were going to put it. We talked about all that stuff. What we didn't do was meld our minds together so we could see each other's thoughts. That would have helped tremendously. It took us longer because we didn't SHOW each other what we were thinking. We had to talk about every frickin' step. Sometimes we even argued. But it looks really good for our first coop. If you go online you can buy kits. That's what we're doing next time. Or at least plans. That way all we have to do is follow the pattern and not talk the damn thing to death. But we got done just in time.
• The day after the coop was finished, the chickens arrived!! They are beautiful. So far we've named 5 of them. We have Glory, Babe, Pearl, Veronica, and Fluffy. Go figure, right? They were a little groggy from the trip when we picked them up. I don't know if that just happens or if they get a little extra something in their feed. They have certainly come alive since. We go out and watch them and hang out with them. I think the chickens are made of pot. We just sit and stare at them and smile. Sometimes we scratch ourselves. We always come in with the munchies, too. Craziest thing you ever saw. Sometimes I just have to go outside and stand by the cage and get a hit. And we got our first egg today!! We've had them for about 2 days and already have an egg. We'll see how the other ladies do.
• We were given some fig trees. They should do very well in our soil. We're going to plant them at the other end of the house from the garden. There isn't any room down by the garden. We have one that's ready to plant and three more that need another year or so. That should be interesting. I may have to learn how to make all things fig. I am not a fan of fig newtons, but if I made them I might like them. There's something that might keep me out of trouble for half a second. 
• We have 2 more 4x4 gardens we want to start and three 2x2 gardens. We want beans and peas. To get any decent amount of those you have to plant a butt load. I'm not sure if that's a real gardening term or not. We also want spinach, bok choy, and pickling cucumbers. That's our next big project. We need to hurry since we're already half way through April. Time is a wasting!!

That means I gotta run. I need to start dinner. I hate to say it, but we're having chicken. Not one of ours, though. That would be awkward at this point. See ya'!
 

Theme Parks with a Fashionista, or, You Really Went Out in Public Like THAT?!?!?!

When hubby and I get our taxes back, we always try to pay down a large bill and then do something fun for our family. This year we got Disney passes as the fun part. I wanted the Big Daddy passes that allow access to the water parks and some other fun things for free. But for our family of five, that was more money than I could justify. Instead, we got the Big Momma passes. We get discounts at the water parks and discounted access to those other things. The important part is that we also get free parking (wish we collected money like with Monopoly) and no blackout dates. Between our screwy days and hubby's screwy work schedule, it's nice to be able to go when we want.

The boy loves him some roller coasters. So does the big girl. The baby has never been big enough and is just now starting to get tall enough. The problem is my petite children. Although the baby is tall enough, she isn't big enough. And then this morning there's the report of the little girl that came off a carnival ride. She only had bumps and bruises, but it was a small ride. Not happening for the baby. When she gets some more bulk to her, I'll be ok. Hubby takes the two older kids on the rides and he rides with the boy. And holds onto him. One time the boy almost came off a ride as it plunged down the last steep hill and it scared the bejeezus out of hubby. If hubby can't go, the boy doesn't go. Period.

I can tell a story can't I? I always feel like you need the background. I think it's really so I can hear the sound of my own voice a little longer. I don't ask my kids that famous question: Do you think I'm talking just to hear the sound of my own voice? The answer is yes, yes I am. Anyway, all of the first two paragraphs to say that the baby and I have some free time on our hands while the others are riding. Can I say that my two new favorite words are "fast pass"? Not as much wating time. Loving that. The baby and I wander the stores or try to find a ride to go on that doesn't involve spinning or jerky movements. Sometimes it works. Sometimes we just try to find a shady spot to sit. And watch people.

You would think people would know better. They don't. Did they look in the mirror? They DID!! And liked what they saw. Why? Is the mirror dirty? Do you need glasses? Both? Maybe they just don't know any better. They should. C'mon people, use a little common sense. Yeah, I know, it isn't that common. Big sigh. Here are just a few observations. My eyes will never be the same.

• Keep your bra to yourself. I don't need to see that you are wearing a bra that clashes, intentionally, with your tank top. Really? They have these great clips you hook to the back of your bras that will make the straps fit the racer back style of tank tops. That way, I don't have to see your tacky bra and you look like you went up a cup size. We bought some for the big girl for dance one year. Her costume had a racer back and there was no way she was letting it all hang out and we didn't have the money to buy a fancy bra with clear straps. That you can still see. She said she never felt it, even while she was dancing. They were $5 at the dollar store. One cup size, huh? I may have to start using them. And if your shirt isn't made to wear a bra with it, as in loose and flowy and low cut, and you have large breasts, wear something else. I do not need to know that you bought your bra at Victoria's Secret. Your bra should stay a secret. Leaves a little mystery. Anyone know what that is? Yeah, I didn't think so.
• Leggings are NOT pants!! Oh my giddy aunt, how many times do I need to say that?!?! 'Cause I will say it over and over and over!! If the material is stretched so thin that I can see your underwear, or the fact that you aren't wearing any, you're wearing the wrong pants. The only ass I want to see is hubby's. And Matthew McConaughey's. But they aren't women. I think they should ban flesh colored leggings. There is only one reason you wear that. They're attention getting. But you're getting the wrong kind of attention. People are pointing and laughing. I know because I've seen them. I just gripe about it. And really, if you don't have the butt of an 18 year old, firm and perky, you really should cover that thing up if you're going to wear leggings. Ugh!
• Don't think I'm only picking on the ladies. I am an equal opportunity fashion basher. Gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, pull up your damn pants!! I don't give a shit what kind of underwear you're wearing. I really don't care to see the stains on your tighty whiteys. Yuck! It's a prison thing that means you are available for the men to come tap your ass. And I don't mean with their hands. And if you have to walk bow legged to keep your pants from falling down, you have gone from ridiculous to ridiculous AND stupid. Pull them up where they belong. Please!!
• Men should not wear capris. They aren't cute. I've tried to learn to appreciate the look. I just can't. I don't get it. It doesn't look right. Specially when they wear them loose and slung low. And with a wife beater. You do know why they call them a wife beater, right? Because you look like you beat your wife. Come into the now...
• And finally, for men and women, crack kills. Pull it up, wear a belt. Suspenders are making a comeback. I don't like women's jeans. They come up to my waist and cut me in half. They make me look like a two lump snow woman. I buy most of my jeans in the juniors department. They are cut lower and sit on my hips or below my waist. They fit my silhouette better. The problem is that they are slung super low most of the time. I have to wear a belt or I'm showing the world my undies and beyond. I just love the fact that I can wear juniors jeans AND a belt. As someone that has been over weight for the majority of my life, that is a great accomplishment for me. I'm still carrying 20 more pounds than I need to, but this too shall pass. I always make sure before I bend over or sit down that I'm covered . Nobody needs to see that. 

I went jeans shopping this summer with big sis. I knew when I went out to Texas that my pants were too big. I could take them off and put them on without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I don't get much of an opportunity to shop by myself for myself and when I take the kids they get fidgety after about 30 minutes. She made me get a size smaller, which were still too big. And then a smaller size, which fit but were a little tighter than I like. Then a size smaller, which fit, but when I sat down, they couldn't contain all my awesomeness and it spilled over the top. UGLY! So I went back up one size. But that's also how I started looking like the aformentioned snow woman. They fit and feel good, but lumpy is what I am. That's why I always bought a bigger size. They didn't cut me in half. Of course, the stress of the holidays helped that when I lost about 18 pounds in a month. But when the stress went away and I could eat again, I gained some of that back. Our no sugar for Lent has helped trim some of the extras and I look better and feel better. I also hope I know my limitations. The big girl and I have a deal in the dressing room. Total honesty without brutality. I like that deal and so does she. Now if I could go into the dressing room with those people that like to wear leggings and show their cracks...

Really?

Just a quick one, because it's hilarious.

I love my youth kids like I birthed them. Praise band having a hard night. Lead singer drops the microphone and walks off the stage after the last song. Band goes storming off after him. Some major issues going on. I couldn't go after them right then, right there, but make a point that I need to talk to them later.

About 20 minutes later, the rest of the kids are heading to the youth house after announcements and stuff. I go upstairs to look for hubby. Hubby has already taken his charges over. The lead singer, drummer, and guitar player are sitting on the floor, looking pretty serious about something and obviously don't want to be bothered.

Me: What ya' doin'?

Drummer: Talking.

Me: What ya' talking about?

Guitar player: Stuff

They know me. They should have known that wasn't going to play with me. I sat down. You should have seen the looks on their faces. Shock that I sat down, shock that I would interrupt, shock that I would stay with them.

We sat and talked for almost 45 minutes about what was on their minds. But, they felt better when we were done. My advice was to not throw up road blocks where there are none. My repeated statement was "Are you going to let that stop you?" The answer, finally, "No. We can do this." Thank you, my sweet boys.

What are talking about? Stuff. Really? Like I'm a sucker.

Gosh, I love my kids.