Enough is Enough

I just can't take it anymore. The stress of the holiday season is just too much this year. I don't know what has made it harder. I don't know if I am weaker at heart and soul or if people are just stupider. Thanksgiving made it clear to hubby and I that we just cannot go through this year after year after year. Done. So we made some decisions. They are pretty important decisions and, on the surface, will make things easier. But I know the phone calls will start soon.

We are not spending Christmas with his family. We just cannot do it. When hubby and I married, we decided it was us against the world. I have always said that I don't care if we live in a cardboard box as long as we have each other. When the kids came along, it was as long as I had hubby and the kids. We just cannot do the fighting and arguing and the little snarky digs. Done. Enough is enough.

I've already told the kids, but he has yet to tell his parents. I am so stressed out I am on the verge of tears every time I turn around. Hubby's ulcer has fired back up, and very painfully. We try not to let the kids know what's going on, but they know that something is happening. I have very intelligent kids. It's not worth our sanity, our marriage, our family, our peace to go through this. Enough is enough.

Hopefully we will have a stress free holiday. Well, as stress free as we can. Hopefully, we can enjoy the holiday for the real meaning, and not the trap of commercialism and outdoing our friends and family. Enough is enough.

Gobble This

Thanksgiving sucked for me. I should preface that statement by saying that the holidays usually suck for me. I miss my family. I miss the way we did things. I miss being around people that generously and unequivocally love us. I have come to the point that being around hubby's family just sets me on edge. And since my day started with fighting, me saying I wasn't going, and telling hubby I would have a bag packed and ready for him to get out when he brought the kids home, I would have to say that yes, my day SUCKED. On a bright note, I did go, practically told my MIL that she was a stupid bitch for coddling her sons, and hubby still lives with us. I guess all's well that ends well. Almost, anyway.

I don't have time for whiners. Yes, I may whine and complain, but at least I try to face whatever issue it is. To condone bad behavior, to coddle a fool, is not what I am made of. Cowboy, or cowgirl, up and ride. Figure out what needs to be done, ask for help, but to wait for karma to kick someone in the ass is useless. Kick 'em in the ass yourself and let's move on. I do not suffer fools.

Depression is my illness. Today it wrapped itself around me like a well worn, comfortable blanket. The problem is that although it is well worn since I have had it for as long as I can remember, it is not comfortable. It is grating and prickly. I actually had to pull away from my family today to sleep, to block out the voice that were whispering in my ear how useless I am, whispering that my marriage was a wreck and I was to blame.

My feelings are hurt. My emotions are raw. I need to be numb. I do not want to feel this tonight. Tonight I will numb myself with Wild Turkey, which I don't usually do. I would much rather have a big, fat sack to roll and smoke and forget that I hurt, but that isn't happening. Tonight I hide from the pain, I hide from myself, and I hide from my issues. Tomorrow I face them head on. Tomorrow seems so far away, but will be here before I know it. Tonight, I just don't want to feel or think.

You want honest, well there it is.

Party Planning

I can throw you one hell of a party. I am a great party planner. I try to plan for the occasion, picking out activities that the attendees will enjoy. I can't stand to go to a dull party. I am telling you now, though, unChristian as it may be, I am done planning events for our church. It is not worth the headache, the hassle, the snarky ass attitude it produces in me.

I planned our annual Trunk or Treat again this year. Last year was phenomenal. We had about 20-25 cars, all decorated and full of candy. You have to love sno cones and popcorn and bounce houses. We had 2 bounce houses, 1 for big kids and 1 for littles. Tons of kids showed up. I ran out of candy, even after opening a couple of bags of donated candy. We even ran late because of the number of kids we had. Clean up didn't take that long and we were out and home in record time. Fantastic! Except for the fact that I got bitched at because it wasn't on Halloween. Are you serious? Fine, be that way. Nevermind the tons of people that came and enjoyed and couldn't believe it was free! Nevermind the kids that laughed and played and smiled and went home happy, happy, happy. Nevermind your crotchety attitude.

This year, it was a youth sponsored event. This year was about the same. We had candy, popcorn, and snocones. Instead of a bounce house we had a slide. We even added pumpkin painting this year. After a big snafu with that, one of our youth volunteers got them for free. Nice score, S! That was a hit. Everything would have been great except for one thing. We only had 10 cars this year. Last year they were packed in as tightly as they could be. This year all but 1 belonged to a youth parent or youth. Are you kidding me? The kids that showed had a great time, but even that attendance was down. We had so much candy left over, we could start our own shop. And where were the people that bitched at me last year that the event was on the wrong day?

They weren't there, that's for damn sure. I am very frustrated with the attitude of the people at our church. If it does not directly involve them bitching about something at the church, it's not important. We had hired a company to come in to teach our church how to be a church. It isn't working. Know what I'm going to hear now? Why did I plan the event on Halloween? Because that was the day that was available for us. That was the day that the youth had decided to do it. That was the day we did it, you didn't show up to help, so kiss my ass.

I am trying to focus on the fact that the youth did an outstanding job. I am trying to focus on the fact that there is a core group of people that support our kids. I am trying to focus on the fact that hopefully the kids that were there had a great time stuffing candy and junk down their throats before they went home. I am trying to remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in church events. I am trying to hold my head high and know that a great event was planned. And I am glad it was my last one.

It Is What It Is

That has become my mantra. I probably say it a million times a day. I say it to remind myself that there are some things that I can't control, that I can't change. It isn't always easy and sometimes I have to bitch. Good thing I have a blog where I can do that.

I have a friend that had an interesting post the other day. It was about how people assume things just by the way we look. She gets asked all sorts of questions because she looks Asian. She was, however, adopted and knows nothing about her biological parents. People ask her really stupid questions, but they aren't trying to be rude. They have made an observation based on her appearance. I get that. I mean that literally and figuratively. I understand that that can be a conversation that she is tired of having with complete strangers. But I also get that same type of questioning. Because I have dark eyes, hair, and skin, people assume that I am hispanic. I'm not. I've had people tell me that I don't appreciate my heritage. Now, that one pisses me off. If I was hispanic, I would be proud of it. I'm not, though. People walk up to me speaking Spanish. I understand more than I speak so my response is no habla. The kicker here is that it is what it is. People are going to assume. They are going to make asses of themselves. I am going to make an ass of myself. But we can accept it's going to happen and get over it or we can wear a big sign that says, "I'm not what you think I am". Can you imagine the questions that would cause?

There is a girl in the big girl's dance class whose mom is crazy. Every time it comes up that we home school, she actually turns her nose up. She has nothing good to say about it or me. But, you know what? It is what it is. She has her opinion. I just try to represnt this family and our home school community with dignity. I could bitch slap her (so tempting sometimes) or I can just let her make a fool of herself. The fact that her husband was on the local school board at one time should make her realize what a great option to public school home schooling is. Instead, she gets that tone in her voice. Instead of focusing on the negative things she has to say, I only talk about the positive. Don't think I am freaking PollyAnna, though. I'm just saying that she and I in a dark alley is not a good combo.

We have some things working that I can't discuss yet. That part is killing me. When we have confirmation, I will. But the waiting is killing me. I just want people to realize that lives are waiting for the yes or the no. Not their lives, but still. I have to sit still and tell myself it is what it is. Worrying, waiting on pins and needles isn't going to make the decisions happen quicker. It isn't going to take away the stress. It's going to eat me alive if I let it. Sometimes I like to wallow around in it and be miserable for a little while. Then I'm done.

Overtime this summer has been almost non existent. We had made great strides bill wise last summer, but there we go digging the hole again. We live on overtime. Without it, the bills don't get paid. We end up relying more on credit cards to get us through. Then we're back in the same hole when it's all over. Hubby and I have taken a couple of steps to try to change that including some serious budgeting that works most of the time, but not always. It is what it is. We do what we have to do to feed our kids, keep a roof over our head, whatever. Worrying about it at this time isn't going to help. Doing what we can, what is best for our family will. And prayer is a phenomenal thing.

So that's my list for what it's worth. Even that is what it is. Just keep repeating it over and over. It is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is.

What?!?

Has it really been 10 days since I blogged on here? That is just the craziest thing if you ask me. No wonder I feel so ugh. Bullet points, please.

• I have a headache. I am doing everything I can to keep it from going to a migraine. I have had migraines since I was 5. I have a sneaking suspicion that our trip to the chocolate factory has something to do with it. I have so much medication in me, I feel itchy and I can't sleep. I will sleep for about an hour, but it's that floaty in and out of dream land sleep. So, I only took meds this morning and have tried to take things very carefully. Hot showers with the water pounding straight onto my forehead help me, too. Lots of those. Somehow, I did manage to get six loads of laundry done. And I only fussed at the kids once.
• Referring back to the first bullet point, we took a field trip to a chocolate factory. OMG, I could not work there. I would weigh 800 pounds and always have a headache. Not good no matter how you look at it. We went to the beach after and had a blast. I love going to the beach in October.
• I got to help my friend M get ready for a local craft fair that is HUGE. She recently started her own candy company called Ambrosia Candies. Fantastic stuff. It's made from a family recipe that has been handed down from generation to generation. The candy smelled so good, it was all I could do to not lick every piece that came by me. On the bright side, every piece that came by me was already shrink wrapped.
• Hubby and I will not be making our trip to Hawaii next year. We have been saving, but some recent things came up that needed to be taken care of. Slowly but surely, our savings have dwindled. So we are hopeful that we can get some other things taken care of and continue to save. We are looking forward to 2012. Maybe. If the world doesn't end. I need to call my dad and let him know. I am not looking forward to that conversation.
• I have been unmotivated lately to do anything. I think my depression had set in. When I get like that, I would rather spend all day on the couch and watch TV then cook or clean or blog apparently. I finally feel like I am coming out of it. Most of the time, when I am depressed, it leads to a lack of motivation. I still get us where we need to go, it just takes me longer to do it. It wreaks havoc on my already nonexistent time management skills. But, I feel the upswing coming.

That's all you get for now. I'll be back. Now, I think I'll go make dinner. That's something I haven't felt like doing in a long time.

Conflicted and Convicted

Nothing like staring it in the face. Nothing like taking the bull by the horns. I could metaphor this half to death, but instead I'll just get on with it. I use this blog as my therapy, so what happens here, stays here. This is MY place to let it all hang out and feel safe about it. Here I go.

Hubby and I are firm believers that when our kids are involved in a program, we need to be involved. We can monitor content, make sure our kids are safe and cared for, make sure our kids are getting what they need from the program. Hubby and I have been volunteering for the last year and a half with our youth program. We have enjoyed getting to know all the kids. It has been awesome to be accepted by them, loved by them, trusted by them. That last one is hard to earn. But we have two other kids that aren't ready for that program yet.

Once again, we are involved with a program with a small group of core volunteers while no one else from the church steps up and takes advantage of an amazing opportunity. Once again, I am burned out and exhausted and overwhelmed at times. This was not what we signed up for, but we knew what we were going to get. Our church has talked about change and even hired a company to help us change. But what I feel like we've gotten is Obama on a smaller scale. Pay us lots of money and we'll give you very little in return.

Case in point: our new youth director. As a person, he seems very sincere. As a youth director, he's starting to irritate. I am a very type A personality. Can you tell? Anyway, get in, get it done. I am not one for lolly gagging when there is work to be done. I like to get the work done so I can rest on my laurels. He hasn't done that. He has slowly worked his way around, observing, trying to figure out the dynamics. Here's a clue: I'm the loud mouth that will fight with you and go toe to toe for what I believe is right for the kids. I am the one that will express my opinion and express it loudly. Here's my opinion now: jump in. Take control, do your job, let the kids know that you are there for them. Quit hanging back and let the kids know that you want this job and you want them.

We have been so busy with our youth kids that our younger two have made the sacrifices. That is so not fair to them. While hubby and I volunteer, they are watched by people that don't love them nearly as much as we do. While they are adequate babysitters, they can't possibly give our kids what they need. We keep hearing reports from two of them that the baby is giving attitude. She was, don't get me wrong. But hubby and I took control of that. I'm not sure what they are talking about now. I asked the boy, who is always up for a way to get his sister in trouble, what was going on. He has no idea. Hubby and I are tired of hearing it.

We have decided that a changes need to happen. One is that hubby will stop volunteering. Our youngest two need some parental attention, so they are going to get it. We have relinquished their care to others for too long. Our youth director may need to step up now that he is the only male. But our focus is on our family. Our focus is on what's best for our kids. I am going to pull back some, and hopefully make room for someone else to step in. I doubt anyone will, but the new youth director has a wife that may be able to fill my shoes.

We lost focus for awhile. We feel like we need to change the direction of the race we are running. We feel like we cannot possibly do our best for the youth, for our family, if we are conflicted about our responsibilities. We need to stop, take a breath, and listen for guidance from the one who needs to be guiding us. God is who leads us, but we have been trying to lead Him. So, with some sadness, but also with great joy, we are convicted once again to put our (my) pettiness aside and put our attention and our efforts where they should have been all along.

Some Things to Say

It's just another random blog. I have a few things running through my brain that need to come out. The more junk I get rid of, the more I can replace it with. Between my addictions to curriculum and bullet points, you would think there wouldn't be room for my addictions to chocolate and shoes. At least here I can indulge my bullet point addiction. Speaking of which, here they come...

• GMA is looking for an advice guru. I thought about applying, but I don't want to get fired. Hubby says they would have to edit my advice anyway. Something about bleeps or some such nonsense. I can keep it clean, I just choose not to sometimes. And really, stupid people piss me off. I'm not sure I could take it. My politics don't match the politics of that particular broadcast. I don't like Obama, they kiss his ass. May not be the best match ever.
• Childhood obesity- who's fault is it? It's the parent's. You don't know that? Look at what you feed your kids. Do you stop at McDonald's and feed your kids more than you go to the grocery store? We pack snacks wherever we go and my family brings water bottles. It takes a little extra effort, but my kids fight over apples like other kids fight over french fries. OK, they fight over those, but only because they don't get them very often. It's too expensive for our family to pull through the take out window. Stop blaming the schools and take responsibility.
• I had a great Facebook debate with someone I don't even know. A friend had posted a comment about the POTUS that I liked, Apparently, her friend didn't. I tried to defend my friend and got into a vigoroue debate. Hubby is not one for confrontation and gets a little nervous when I debate politics with people. I am very confident in my debating skills. The best thing about an online discussion: no yelling. Well, not that the other person can hear.
• I am ready for elections to be over. Stop all the finger pointing, the blaming, the blah, blah, blah. Shut up! I want to know what you want to accomplish. Don't tell me what you are going to do because you are lying. Yes, I called the politicians liars. Most of the things they promise won't come to fruition because it's all about the committees. It doesn't make it through the committee, it doesn't make it. Watch "I'm Just a Bill" from SchoolHouse Rock. It'll tell you how it works.
• Finally, cooler weather. Love it. It was 72 in my house this morning when hubby and I got up. Love great snuggle weather. I wish hubby was here to snuggle. My kids are snuggled in their beds. I can open the windows and let the breeze blow through and clear out the stuffy air. Good thing I have the neti pot to clean out the pollen and dust when it settles in my sinuses. To every down side, there is an up side. And I have some great chili recipes that I really want to try. Chili in the summer is just not the same. I'll eat it, don't get me wrong. It's just better when it's cooler.
• Bald is beautiful. I am watching Bruce Willis and I think he is just getting sexier and sexier. My blog, my opinion. Moving on...
• The pool is no more. Hubby and I are going to start filling in the hole. The frame work is aluminum, so it's going to be recycled and put a little cash in our pockets. The liner we are either going to return, or try to sell. But at long last, the pool saga is winding down and coming to an end. Ahhh, closure.

That's it everybody. Thanks for helping clear out the junk. You can almost guarantee I'll be back with more.