Marriage

My MIL accused me and hubby of something the other day. We were sitting outside on her front porch, watching hubby play with the kids. They were laughing, I was teasing them about who knows what. Then she said it. "You have the closest thing to a perfect marriage I have ever seen." Uh-oh. Is that like a curse? Is that as bad as tattooing someone's name on your body? We then proceeded to talk about the marriages of two of her other sons, which are in shambles due to many, many reasons. I could talk about those for days, but that's not the reason for this blog. We talked about why our marriage works. Here's what I came up with.

Communication is key. I was in a relationship before hubby that was horrible. I was told what to do and what opinion to have. For those that know me now, you probably can't believe that, can you? When hubby and I met, I told him if we couldn't communicate at any point, there was no reason for a relationship. But I don't just mean talking. Communicating is about so much more. It's about listening. I don't mean hearing. I mean hearing and understanding together which equals listening. We don't have to agree, but we have to listen. We have to be able to communicate for our relationship to work. Does that mean we don't argue? We can argue with the best of them. We've even had a couple of knock down, drag out fights, just without the actual knocking down and dragging out. If we have to walk away for a minute, or minutes, then we do. But we come back and try to finish it without judgement and yelling. We try to see the other's side of things. Do we always agree? No, we don't. But we can compromise. That is a great word.

Compromise is very important. We can communicate all we want, but if we don't meet halfway sometimes, it can still be a failure. I may not like what he wants to do. He may not like what I want to do. But if we communicate the reasons, we can come up with a compromise. I don't always have the reasons, but I try to explain anyway. Hubby has to take a few minutes sometimes to collect himself. But as long as we listen and try to understand, we can come up with a compromise. I've even gotten better at compromising with my kids. It doesn't always have to be my way or the highway. Did I say that out loud?

Honesty is the best policy. I cannot, and will not, do anything without hubby knowing. If I can't tell my hubby whatI'm thinking or doing, if I try to hide something from him, I feel bad. I get physically ill, from a belly ache to a head ache and stuff in between. I don't even bother anymore. I call him. I'll tell him what I'm thinking about and get his opinion. That way, we both have a say in the decision. He says it's so I can blame him. But he knows it's always his fault whether he agreed or not. I can always make it his fault. Do I always do what hubby says? Hell, no. I'm no lap dog. But he can talk me down from the ledge like nobody's business. I tend to be very spontaneous while he tends to want to think about it.

There would be no marriage without love. I could quote that great verse from the bible, but I won't. I love my husband. He loves me back. There is no better feeling than being loved by my man. I love the way he looks at me, touches me, kisses me. Hold on, I'm getting a mental image I would like to explore. Yes, there's that, too. But what I'm talking about goes so much deeper. My heart aches when he's not with me. He still makes my palms sweat and I get nervous around him when we're on a date. Crazy, isn't it? I know that God hand picked hubby for me and I take that very seriously. And with love, comes the most important aspect of our marriage.

Respect is, by far, the most important aspect of our marriage. Love without respect isn't love. Communication without respect is one sided. Compromise without respect is being beaten down. Without respect, there can be none of the above. We support each other when making decisions about raising the children, spending money, or just spending time. I know that when I speak, he is actually listening and taking in the things that I am saying. That is a two way street. I don't just dismiss things as they come out of his mouth. He doesn't do that to me. We make time to spend together, just us, to connect and foster that feeling of respect. We touch, we cuddle, we connect with each other physically, mentally, and emotionally. That leads to a greater respect for each other. It just makes it better.

I'm not trying to brag. I'm not trying to tell you how to run your marriage or relationship. I just know what hubby and I do and what works for us. It has led to a 15 year marriage that works and is going strong. We have put our faith in God, who created this union, to guide us where we need to go. We try to do the best we can by and for each other. We just love being together.

Growing Up

Growing up sucks. Let's face it, it's hard. You have to figure out who you are, what you believe in, who you can trust and believe. And all the while, you have hormones raging through your body making thinking almost impossible. Everything is an ordeal. Everything is important. At least when I was growing up it was that way. Now I have to watch my big girl go through it. If I could put my kids in a bubble so nothing would ever hurt them, I would. I know this is about the big girl and I should probably put this on my other blog. But that one is linked to Facebook and I don't feel like everyone and their brother reading it. My followers are one thing. Most of you know my big girl.

We are dealing with body image issues. Ack! Hubby and I have tried very gard to keep most of the junk out of the lives of our kids. We don't focus on the outside, but tell them that what is important is what's on the inside. We tell them that God made them the way He wants them. Everything was going fine until one of the big girl's friends got ahold of her. Really? I could ring her scrawny little neck. Here's what happened.

We were going swimming at a friend's house. The big girl says as we are getting ready to leave, "Can I wear parts of two different suits?" I should have said yes, but I have isssues. One of them is finding half of an outfit in the wash. I go crazy trying to find the other half. When I can't, when I find out it didn't get worn, it bugs me. I'm working on my issues, so back off. Besides, this is about her, not me. I ask her why and she says, "I have isssues with my body". Thank you for being honest, but you could have knocked me over with a feather. Since when is what I want to ask her, but not with the other two kids there. It took a couple of days to get to a point where we could be alone, but I certainly didn't want to advertise this conversation. This is how that went.

Apparently, her friend AF has been calling her chubby. Have you seen my big girl? Chubby is far from what she is. You have to realize though that when AF turns sideways, she disappears. The big girl is curvy. She has the body of a 15 year old and she's only 11. Match that with her beautiful face and I'm in trouble. Of course, hubby is a gun owner. Just throwing that out there. AF even had the big girl running around the park one day doing exercises to shape up. Are you kidding me? I could smack her. I asked the big girl why she did what her "friend" told her to do. She took a second and said, very eloquently, "I don't know. I think about it now and know how silly it was, but at the time I wasn't thinking about that". Thank you for your honesty.

This opened up a great conversation about what a true friend is. It opened up great conversations about body image. It opened up great conversations about how magazines and movies and TV shows use lots of tricks to make people look beautiful. It opened up great conversations about insecurities and mean girls. We talked for almost an hour about these things and how they affect her and her confidence. In the end I told her that nobody has the right to tell her how she should feel about her body. I told her to not let her friends determine what she thinks about herself. Real friends would not say those things or act the way AF did. I told her I had to talk to AF's mother. She was alright with that.

When I talked to her mom, it went really well. I thought. I let her know that those topics were not to be talked about anymore. I let her know that those names she was calling my daughter were unacceptable. Then she said, "She has mentioned before to my daughter that she thought she was fat". My response: "Irregardless of what my daughter has said, calling her chubby sure didn't help". Do not excuse away the actions you know were wrong. You know how she is and how she gets. Do not think for one second that I will not step into that relationship and nip it in the bud if I need to.

I am grateful and thankful that I have a relationship with my daughter that allows open discussion. I am grateful and thankful that she feels comfortable enough to talk to me about her life and what she is going through. I am grateful and thankful that she stood up to her friend at the park the Friday after our conversation and told her her actions were unacceptable and not appreciated. I am grateful and thankful that I am the mother to such a beautiful and wonderful child of God.

I am praying that she takes our conversations to heart. I am praying that she realizes that she is beautiful, inside and out. I am praying that she always comes to me with her problems. I am praying that growing up will not be so hard on her. I am praying, I am praying, I am praying.

Scheduling Conflicts

Not really a conflict. It's more of a consequence. Before we could mow, we needed to pull stinging

nettles. They have these really pretty white flowers, but the little buggers are nasty and tenacious. If you rub against one, it pokes you with these nasty thorns that stay in your skin. The thorns are small and hairlike. They are extremely hard to see and very painful. We needed to pull them or mowing them would have spread them even further through the yard. It took us quite awhile, then we mowed, then we worked on the back patio, then the compost pile.

The results were lots of things marked off our list and lots of sun. The top picture is me. That's my back in all it's sunburned glory. It hurt for a couple of days, but not as bad as I thought it was going to. I could wear a bra and that's saying alot. The bottom picture is hubby's back. I put my hand on his back. It turned out to be a great picture. My best advice for a sunburn would be heat. Take a really hot shower or get in a hot tub. It will sting like the dickens, but it is so much better when you get out. It helps take away the sting.

We get to do more this weekend. Yea! Or not.

Stuff

I haven't forgotten you. I just haven't blogged on here. I've posted on the other one, just not much to say here. You know how that happens. Now I have things to say and not enough time. On the bright side: bullet points.

1. I know my kids like her, but if I have to hear one more freakin' Taylor Swift song, I think I will go postal. Poor baby really can't sing. She's cute enough I guess, but her voice is awful. My van and my iPod have become the official "No Taylor Swift" zones. I have lots of stuff on my iPod for those long waiting periods that kids have a hard time getting through. It keeps them occupied and me happy. But I just cannot do it. She's almost as bad as Miley Cyrus. At least Taylor Swift enunciates and doesn't sound like she's speaking with rocks in her mouth. Great, now I have the heebie jeebies.
2. Franklin Graham has been banned because of his views of Islam. Here's an idea: if they stop blowing people up, Franklin Graham might change his mind. I'm sorry that a few bad apples are spoiling the bunch, but you don't see the peaceful, loving muslims on the news. You see the ones, hear about the ones, that want to kill people because they dared make fun of Muhammad. You hear about the ones that say the earthquakes are because women dress too promiscuously. You hear about the ones that spread hate and violence not peace and love. And, although it may seem like it's coming to an end, this is still at the moment a country of freedom of speech. Now, because he says they are evil, and Obama is one, he can't come pray at the capitol. Lots of words to say and none of them good.
3. Speaking of bad apples, did you know that one really does spoil the bunch? It's the same with pears, too. They release a chemical from the spoiled spot that causes the rest to spoil. When we open the pear box at our co-op, they are indivdually wrapped in paper to keep them from touching. If one is bruised, it won't effect the others too badly until we can get them out of the box and away from each other. They apparently don't play nice. Can you imagine opening the box and seeing fighting apples or pears? I'd pay a little change for that.
4. We have given up major gardening this year. We may still do tomatoes and onions, but we have missed our window of opportunity. With all the rain and the cold we just weren't able to get everything done we needed to. Our garden area is overgrown, our compost pile isn't anywhere close to being ready. We have one little planter that is full of compost that we could plant in. Hubby even transplanted some squash from the compost pile to the planter. They are doing very well. He says they're pumpkins, I say squash. I don't care which one they are. I'm just glad they're growing. Now to get the rest of the way off our butts.
5. We had to schedule a weekend to do yard work. That's how busy our schedule got. It was bad. We swore we wouldn't be that busy this year, but we are. Volunteering for youth has really taken a huge chunk of time out of our weekend. I will say that it is worth it. The downside is that we have to cram a bunch of stuff into Saturday. But working in the yard this weekend, not going anywhere but the grocery store was so nice. We have decide that we need to schedule two weekends a month to just stay home, work around the homestead, and spend time together. We got a ton done and we have the sunburn to prove it.
6. I had to go back to a menu. I had let it fall by the wayside and have been regretting it. I have been frustrated, making meals that I would probably not do. Hubby and I sat down, and figured breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next couple of weeks. We made a grocery list, mostly stuck to it, and so far, so good. We decided that on our really busy days, we would plan some things that hubby doesn't mind making. Not that I am a gourmet by any means. But if it seems too complicated, hubby freaks a little. Me, too. I just take a breath, look at everything, and then decide. Of course, we added some favorites like burritos, and hamburgers on the grill. I need to look up a recipe for sweet potato french fries. I'm the only one that likes sweet potatoes, so I'm looking for ways to cook them that the family will eat them. If you have a recipe you would like to share, please do.
7. My friend, M, is having a Pampered Chef, couponing class tonight. She had me at Pampered Chef. I love that stuff. My favorite by far is the bar pan. That thing makes everything great. I can cook chicken nuggets, cookies, breaded fish, whatever, and it comes out beautifully every time. No muss, no fuss, just great. I think I'm going to buy another one. You can never have too many bar pans. I may get a cutting board as well. I like those, too. If you have the money, or get the money, to invest in great cookware or gadgets, that is really the best way to go. Love their stuff.
8. Speaking of coupons, I have been having fun with them lately. I went to the store yesterday and saved $32.38 and spent $11.04. I love those days. I was even able to get organics. Makes me wish I had my deep freeze. It also makes me wish I had somewhere to put a freezer. I got two bottles Scrubbing Bubbles for 54 cents. That breaks down to 27 cents a can. I got three bags of organic frozen french fries for $1.94. That breaks down to roughly 65 cents a bag. I also got three bags of organic tater tots for the same price. You can do it, too. Plus, I got free stuff.
9. Family drama, family drama, family drama. I am so sick of family drama. At least it isn't my side this time. On a bright note, hubby's oldest brother has been calling him more. I'm not sure if it was us trying to move to Texas or what, but there seems to be something growing in that relationship. I don't know if the brother is seeing hubby as a postive influence in the changes we've made or brother is changing or what. I'm just trying to rise above. Don't think for a second that I won't get down in the muck. I seem to be drawn to muck. Some days are better than others.

I told you I had things to say. Now I have to prepare for the day. Good thing the breakfast on the menu is cereal. It's not teaching the kids to cook, but at least they won't starve. Now I need to teach them to open a can of soup. You can never have too much in your repetoire. See ya'.

Unsocialized

Usually the first question out of people's mouths when they find out we home school is "What about socialization?" Because this is my blog, I feel perfectly comfortable saying they don't learn how to socialize in school. They learn how to go to class with kids their age, only speak and connect with those said kids, and how to follow directions. But generally, my response is,"They don't have to go to school to learn that." If they only knew.

I Facebook. I started for hubby. Two of his brothers were on it and it was a way for him to keep up with them. It got to the point that I started to have more friends than he did and it was just easier to switch it to my name. I can do all kinds of things on Facebook. I keep up with friends, I have reunited with friends, I upload pictures, I download pictures, I tag photos, I set up events, I answer messages. There are so many things to do on Facebook.

I have not one, but two blogs. I love my blogs. I'm going to set up another one for my writing. I have all these people in my mind that are screaming to get out. I can do lots of things with my blog. I keep family and friends updated with pictures, I add links to websites or specific articles, I added a button and changed the look of the blogs. I would add video, but we have dial up, and that would take forever.

We just added texting to our phones. I know, not the most techy thing we could do, but still. It's something we needed to do. We got new phones and decided that was one more way for our youth kids to communicate. It's also a way for me to communicate with my friends and family. I held two texting conversations today. I like feeling like I'm not interrupting someone's life like with a phone call. We could have gone iPhone and all that entails, but that was more than we want to spend every month. We might as well get rid of our computers if we did that.

So now, if you need to get hold of this unsocialized person, you can call me at home or on my cell, text me, facebook me, or IM me. If you can't get a hold of me so we can socialize, you don't want to get a hold of me. I'm more socialized than the law should allow.

True Love

I've been kind of blah since Easter. Holidays are hard enough on me, then you add family drama and I could just sink under all the ugly. I could let it overwhelm me. Tonight was the lift I needed. Hubby and I were talking about young love. That first little feeling of maybe, that hint of emotion that becomes bigger and stronger as time progresses. The first shy stages of getting to know each other.

We have this young couple at church that have just started dating. They are too cute together. Their last names are True and Love. Wow. The moms and I were talking the other day about how cute they were and how great they were being with the relationship. We got busted, too. They made us admit we were talking about them. I hate getting busted. Anyway...The topic came up of their last names. Put them together and what a great statement that is. True Love. I would hyphenate just for the attention it would draw. That's just how I am.

I remember first love. The giddiness, the sweaty palms, wondering, hoping the phone would ring. And this was before the era of cell phones. I didn't have call waiting. Most of the time he called me while I was at work. The employee line would ring and I'd get all fluttery. Was it him? Sometimes, sometimes not. I'm still that way. He has a special ring tone and when I hear it I'm like one of Pavlov's dogs. I still get giddy. My heart still races. I can't get to the phone fast enough. He comes home from work and I'm the happiest I've been all day. It's not just that he can deal with the kids now, but it's happy to see him come home, to see that sweet man I love so much. And so he can deal with the kids. True Love

There is an older couple at church that have recently started dating. They have both lost their previous spouses. They are the sweetest couple to see together. They come in together and are smiling. You know they enjoy each other's company. The have that giddy look in their eyes. He has always seemed so shy, but since dating her, he has really come out of his shell. He seems more forthcoming, more welcoming. She has been very good for him. There are not lots of public displays of affection. It could be the generation, or out of respect for their former spouses. But he will touch her arm, or the small of her back. And she smiles when he does. They are so amazing to watch and see together. I told him today, that for whatever it's worth, I think they make a beautiful couple. True Love.

The Princess Bride is one of the sappiest movies ever. It takes the fantasy of many young girls and twists it. It distorts what most girls dream. They dream of falling in love with the prince. They dream of heros. As they get older they dream of pirates and develop an affinity for the bad boy. In the movie, the one thing that gets the main characters through every situation is True Love. They know that love will get them through anything. They will be reunited and will overcome every obstacle through the power of their feelings for each other. I love that movie. True Love.

I love to see people that are in love. I love to see true affection and playfulness and tenderness and respect and love. It is a beautiful and joyous sight. It lifts my soul to see hope and expectation. It did me good to see so much of that today. True Love.

Good News/Bad News

It's all in how you look at it. It all depends on which side of the fence you're on. Is it good? Is it bad? Sometimes it's a huge relief. Sometimes a gigantic let down. This is both for us. We have decided that the move to Texas is not happening at this time.

It's a relief that we can move on with our lives and all that entails. We can make plans. We can participate in some things that we were waiting to sign up for. Life can go back to our normal. That's good and bad. It's all a matter of perspective. People have asked why we wanted to move to Texas. Let me tell you my Easter story.

I asked hubby to call his parents and find out if we were doing something for Easter. Sure, I guess, we'll do a ham. Next question, what time? Whenever. I should tell you that question was asked more than once. The same response was given every time, whenever. See, I'm pissed off all over again. Will it always be this way? Will I always feel this much resentment at the way our family pod is treated? Probably. Moving on...

Sunday about 12:30, as I'm cooking brussel sprouts, hubby calls his parents to let them know we'll be there about 2. Want to know what the response was? "Oh, we wanted to eat about 1." Really? Then why the hell didn't you say that the FOURTEEN TIMES THAT QUESTION WAS ASKED? You're supposed to read that last part with your teeth clenched and yelling at the same time. That's what I did when hubby told me. Fine, can't do a damn thing about it now. Hubby tells his dad that we will be there as soon as we can, probably around 2. We left about 1:30, pulling in about 2. Know what?

They had already eaten. They couldn't even wait for us. We ate Easter lunch BY OURSELVES AT MY IN-LAWS. See previous instructions above about reading capitalized print. I was so angry. How do you excuse that? My MIL knew she'd fucked up, too, by how quiet I was. She said, four times (I know, I counted), "We thought we'd go ahead and let the kids eat." Yeah, but the adults, too? What the hell is that? Whatever. It was so much better that I kept my mouth shut. I was so angry I was on the verge of tears. Not sad, unhappy tears. Angry, pissed off, I will wrap my fingers around your throat and revel in sight of your eyes popping out of your head tears. I'm still as angry as I can be about it. Gee, can you tell? At least I only used the F word once, so far. I told hubby if he left my side for one minute, until I calmed down, I would not be held responsible for the damage that would ensue.

It gets better. Not really, but you know me. Not only did we have to eat Easter lunch by ourselves, my nieces and nephews were watching us, waiting for us to get done so they could hunt Easter eggs. You're going to feed the kids then let them harass us to hurry up? I finally growled loud enough to make them go away. Angry, angry, angry.

Hubby and I took a walk around the lake and through a nearby neighborhood. I had to. It was either that or my head was going to rocket off my shoulders. I ranted, I raved, and hubby just listened. Well, he fished, too, but that was alright. That was our cover story. I was not only angry, but disappointed and sad and hurt. This day was not about me.

To me, it was about my kids spending time with the cousins they never get to see. We live 30 minutes from them and never see them unless there is a family gathering. My MIL said as we were leaving, "We don't see much of you anymore." Why do I want to come over? Why do I want to subject my kids, my family, myself to feeling like we are second class to every one else? Why do I want to listen to your vicious diatribes against anyone that doesn't agree with what you say and what you want? I don't.

So, why do I want to move to Texas? To be surrounded by family that want to spend time with us. To be around family that won't eat without us. To be around family that loves and respects and cares for us. To get away from the uneasy feelings when there is a family gathering. To celebrate with love. To spend time with nieces that I barely know, but would love to see grow up into the beautiful women I know they will be one day. To spend time with my mom and my sister that I miss terribly every day. That was made even worse by the possibility of being close to them again. To have my kids spend time with their Mermie that they think hung the moon just for them. For my boy to be able to snuggle with his Auntie, because she is his snuggle bunny. Because I grew up and learned to love and live in the great country of Texas, and would love to give that gift to my kids. Because, on days like Easter, I just want my mommy.

Why do I not want to move to Texas? Because I have fantastic friends that have surrounded my family with the love and respect that isn't coming from our blood relatives. Because we are supported by people that genuinely love my kids, as I love theirs. Because my heart would be wrenched from my body if I had to say good bye to them. Thank you, my friends, for the love and caring that you have shown us. Thank you for the sympathy, the empathy, the rantings and ravings you have allowed me, the broad shoulders, and the fantastic fellowship and prayer.

So, as I listen to Kenny Loggins singing "Celebrate Me Home" that just popped up on my iPod, I'll sign off. This one has taken alot out of me. I think I need a nap. And some Kleenex. And my mommy.